Sunday, April 29, 2007

Blog Attack

I'm going back to my bad habit of keeping multiple blogs again..oh dear.

haha. I used to have 4 or 5 blogs. Each and every one of them focused on a different aspect of my life. But one day I just got tired of keeping up with so many blogs. I closed every one of them down and started this blog. And started blogging everything here. Apparently, I give too much away here. And I'm starting to feel the restrictiveness of this blog. There are stuff that I'm hesitant to blog here. Though most still made it through onto this blog, there are still some which didn't. And keeping them inside me usually tortures me somewhat.

So yep. I'm keeping another blog! livejournal most prob..livejournal's good. can lock entries....okie. just created it. here's the addy: http://silentcelle.livejournal.com/ haven blog any entries yet though. XP

Plus I joined deviantART! and the url is...you guessed it. http://silentcelle.deviantart.com/

and i've decided that i shall sleep early tonight.
keeping my resolution~ even while i'm feeling so down.

P.S. FeiFei's trying to sell Chinese Cutural Society's Chinese Drama Tickets! And I'm advertising for her!!! interested tell me!!!
Two skits and one drama
11th and 12th May
7.45pm
Free-seating
8 bucks

random sunday

argh. i completely lost that feel for the script. urgh. nvm, i still have time. haha. typical procrastinator.

went studying with sammie today! i swear that shan and sammie has telepathic powers. we all live busy lives, but somehow they always appear when i most need them. thx sammie...i don hate you lah. it was a joke. I LOVE YOU.

shan's funny. she said to think of her feelings the nxt time i have silly thoughts. "imagine waking up to sam's phone call, with sam screaming meiyi's dead!" i told sam about it, sammie thought it was a creative way of putting it too. haha. thx shan..

I need someone in school. =(
funny, sammie and shan said the exact same thing in less than 24 hours. that they're sorry they're not in rj. haiz. X(
but i'm real happy i was from adp. somehow, our primary school friends are a bit more lasting. just like how shan found adp people in ajc more comforting...and how we all manage to keep in touch after 10 years, maybe not directly with everyone, everyone's still in touch with someone who's in touch with the others. it's really really cool. and when we meet people that we have not seen for years, we can still talk and it won't feel awkward! that's ultra cool!

maybe i tried too hard to follow seng's advice...that i put so much hope on current school life, that i forgot how great my bunch of friends outside are. no matter how little time we can spend with each other, the bond is still there.
and most importantly, i can be myself when i'm with them. and not worry about being seen as sticky. or be seen as weird. i do have to control my emo-ness when i'm with them as a group though. hmm.

and i think, i convinced myself that i can't live without some stuff, which in actual fact i can live without. so yep. now i'm gonna face reality and live on without. sammie should know what i am talking about. yesh. i'm gonna take control of my life. and be myself. muahahahaha.

FILM SOCIETY OUTING TOMORROW TO SUBSTATION!!!! WOOT! XP can't wait!!!! but the terror of rush-work-street-dance-cip-video editing begins tomorrow too. XS

and yesh, in case you guys didn't notice. i'm feeling way better. the wonders of two consecutive friend-therapy sessions. aaah...haha.

Labels: thoughts, weekend

figured out

i just figured out why i like reading yw's blog so much. it could easily have been my own blog. wow. i wonder if he realised that he is saying/feeling exactly what i have felt one or two months ago? it's a bit like watching emotion replays, except that the circumstances are different. the similarities are....incredible...and comforting. to know that i'm not the only one. it's incredibly comforting. but then, he doesn't have the other problems i have, does he? which still makes me pathetic. i've still got so much to learn...sigh.

Yesh. I shall write the script. but not tonight. It's like forming in my head. I hope it doesn't evaporate tomorrow morning. X(

Labels: thoughts

Saturday, April 28, 2007

ferris wheel

actually, it was called the euro wheel. but anyhow, i might have took it if it didn't cost $7.5o per person. my near attempt at taking a wheel larger than the one at escape theme park.

shan has a weird way of making me feel better. she doesn't do what most people do...she don't shower me with constant "are you okay?"s and stuff. but i feel so much better so much sooner. simply because she treats me like everything is fine. while knowing that everything is not fine.

i love you shan! haha.

saw alvin at woodlands mrt just now while taking the "walk" with shan. haha. he changed so much. brings back primary 4 memories of how i crushed him. X) wonder if he'll find this blog and realise that i crushed him in primary 4. haha. first major crush leh...XP he should feel honoured. hee.
and he accused me and shan of being an item. LOL. which i don't mind actually. if i'm not straight, i'll go with shan. but too bad. i'm 80% straight. shan has to do a lot better to attract me that way. haha. YO! I AM NOT OF TOO LOW A STANDARD FOR YOU OKAY. you are the one. bleh.

really, i feel a lot better. so what i'm screwing up my life. outside school, it still feels like a "less screwed" life at least.

Labels: weekend

Shan

Since when have I kept a hiatus?

But yea, Shan always calls/contacts me at the most convenient times. She has good intuition. It's almost as if there's an alarm connected from my mood to her house. Yet Seng blamed me for not moving onto Secondary School and JC friends. Tell me how I should do that when Primary school friends are so much more heart to heart than the ones in JC?

That is, if i have anyone left in JC.
I knew my friendship life is screwed at the end of Sec 2 already. When the bunch of people who held weight in my heart decided to denounce me as a friend and when Seng kinda broke off relations with me. I have only Sammie and Shan left now. About the only two people who calls me a friend. The only two "two-way" relationships I have.

when you regard someone as a friend, it does not automatically equate that you are a friend to that someone. i took so long to learn that.

how on earth do people like ian enjoy friendships so much in school? i wanna learn.
oh yea, i'm kinda a stalker. coz i observe. i know more than people think i know. i observe more than people think i observe. and stacy was so shocked when i scored so high on her quiz. hmm.

I have decided I might wanna keep a private blog. Where I can actually blog names out. Haha. Doesn't mean I'll keep much away from this blog still though. There's sentimental value in this blog. But it does mean that now i have a choice of which blog to blog in, when i need to vent. so yea, this blog might still receive most but not all of my emotional inputs. haha.

Waiting for Shan to come over to woodlands. Then I shall join her around causeway point on the pretense of going for a walk.

But yes, I still wanna change by the end of the two years of JC. Will it work, now that I'm on my own? Shan and sammie are so far away...if only they're in RJ.
I think I owe Shan a lot. haha. Shan, are you reading this? X) thanks..
maybe i can get back to being friends after i've succeeded in changing. that way i won disrupt anyone's lives. i estimate that time to be sometime nxt yr..or if i'm lucky, the end of this yr. is that too late? but nvm that, that's only my own thinking. maybe i'll just never get back. I know now why people say that JC life is what you'll remember when you've grown up. It's hard to not remember.

And I've gotten some idea on what kinda script I wanna write for Singapore Schools Video Awards. It's linked to my emo-ness I think. haha. I vaguely rmb wangting saying something like inspiration comes with emo-ness sometimes. haha. very true.

Shan says she's freaked out by my new way of emo-ing. says that she rather i mope around then acting okay. that i sound frightening when i laugh today. really? i didn't know that i sounded different. i guess i'm tired of the weeping-crying kinda emo-ing. haha. but i really emo a lot less nowadays. so anyone reading this, don't show me sympathy. coz when you show me sympathy, i might mistaken it for friendship and then i'll harass you. just wait till after i've changed.

okie, i shall focus on adobe photoshop, learning guitar and doing my first script! and maybe learn to do a bit of deviant-ing. wanted to do that since secondary school. haha. deviantart is coo! haha. all these things are therapeutic in a way.

okay, i think i'll go on a "walk" anytime now. phone, i will you to ring. ciao.

Labels: life, thoughts

hiatus

I'm going on hiatus for about two weeks. stop the flow of access into my innermost emotions, thoughts, etc. ciao.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Samurai warrior in kimono snow-white.

Funny. Read yw's post about hitting post 180, and now i'm blogging my 180th post. haha.


Anyway, school as usual. and as expected, I screwed up my physics test. coz i didn't study for it. but i really don't care. haha. i only care for subjects i feel at least the slightest passion for. namely, econs. X)
oh, and physics has officially overtaken china studies as my most hated subject. uck. so now, the order from my favorite to least fav: econs, math, china studies, physics. but i'm thinking math might lose to china studies anytime now too. haha. it's soooo BORING.

Sean invited this mediacorp director to give us a talk about being a director today. I can never succeed as a director. too disorganised. haha. or maybe i can learn to plan...hmm..haha. but my mum will get so disappointed lah, if i get into the media line. haha.
then we watched Kill Bill Volume One. I LOVE THE SCENE WHERE THEY DID SAMURAI FIGHTING IN THE SNOW! Samurai warrior in white kimono against the whiteness of the snow. Especially that frame when she removes her sandals...man...elegance. first 10s was like dancing in the snow with samurai swords. pwreeeetttyyyy..haha.

Anyway, I don't know how to say this. But I shall try. This is kinda getting into a routine now. I AM SORRY PEOPLE, FOR IRRITATING. man, i must be a very irritating person. but i shall try to learn to be less sticky. yesh.

and i am sad. coz I kinda realised how someone who matters may actually be a hypocrite. sometimes girls are scary.
and another someone who matters still never realise he forgot my birthday. despite knowing how much i care about birthdays. and it's nearly a week over now. hmm.
and i think i irritated a third someone who matters. okay, change that statement. i KNOW that i irritated a third someone who matters. i just know. and i don't wanna irritate anymore. i shall just learn to fade in. i need a bestie in sch too! i think. haha. sammie.....I am envious of you!!!! argh. XP

i wonder how i managed in primary school. to stick to sammie and lingyan yet not irritate them. hmm.

the word "irritate" seems synonymous with "looking up", "company" nowadays for me. i irritate everyone. okie! I PROMISE. I'll learn to change.
but yet sammie says that i should just be myself.
i'm one hell of a confused girl growing up. i must be the most confused 17 girl ever.

i should stop screwing up my life.

i'm like a failure trying to bluff her way through as a gem. will i get to be a gem in the end? and may dreams come true.

Labels: school, thoughts

some things just can't be helped.

This is crazy. I have not blogged for 48 hours. haha.

and i cannot sleep now. =( coz my group's doing GPP. although i'm not doing much. but it just doesn't seem right to go off and sleep, leaving them doing the thing alone. so i'm just lingering around on the net...doing any errands they might have for me. like editing the picture of a ticket stub. XS

math tutorial test was actually rather easy, considering that i didn't study for it. but i'm still gonna fail it coz of super bad time management. everyone at least started on question 4, but i didn't even complete question 3 part 3. X( that's at least 8 marks gone.

but i realise that i don't feel that bad when i did badly in tests for subjects that i don't care about. eg. math and physics. but i do care if i fail econs. which is most likely the case. paigy says that the other class mr neo teaches only have two passes. X(

speaking of econs, i almost lost the av camera today. left it at econs lecture. luckily, ernest and gang saw it as they were leaving the LT and passed it to the lecturer. phew. panicked for nearly 2 hours. when i went to the staff room to get the camera, the lecturer wasn't in so another econs teacher gave it to me. the teacher's interesting. he used his handphone to take a picture of me with the camera, saying that in case i'm not the one who lost the camera. haha. felt like being taken a photo of with a trophy. lol.

and the av people booked LT7 today. so ended up not editing the street dance video. tough luck. shall most probably get around to it this weekend. which means going back to school on sat. hmm.

and recognising feelings is a good thing. i finally agree with jiangning. it feels good. i didn't even realise i wasn't feeling all that good. haha.

i'm gonna fail physics tmr.

haiz. i really wanna sleep. X(

Labels: school

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

happy randomness

I think studying math in the library is good. but not econs. and definitely not cse. coz then i'll sleep. i need something like math which will tear my hair out to study in the library. then i will not sleep. library is too quiet for econs. and i'll sleep anywhere when i study cse. XP

math test is scary. on thursday. thursday is dooms day.

today's another ordinary day...but somehow i feel happy! =) i bumped into a lot of people i know today! haha...my social currency feels high today. LOL.
and i bumped into two people who i like bumping into and saying hi too! that makes me happy! hee =)))
and i semi-hugged candy today! and tianni! LOL. i'm getting addicted to hugging seniors. X)

I think the concept of social currency's nice. it makes my situation feels less hopeless. coz stock markets fluctuates.

mr neo says not to use the term fluctuates too often in econs...coz everything fluctuates, and we might misuse it. haha.

I feel guilty. but i can't blog about it. coz pple who are not supposed to know about it reads my blog. but i need to talk about it. argh.

YAY! Naichien and Zhijian's chair and vice chair for film soc!!! 'Scico is secretary, and sherry is treasurer......the kaypo extra meiyi is self-appointed unofficial welfare!!!! HAHA. i'm gonna celebrate everyone's birthday! muahahahaha...i like welfare in the first place! LOL.
and we might have chalet in june! =) i love chalets!!!

oh, and we didn't watch heart candy today in the end. sherry's passing me the cd tmr so that i can watch on thurs. can't wait for friday's workshop! X)

i think when i'm happy, my thoughts are disjointed and random. haha. most of the time. doesn't mean when i'm not thinking disjointedly, i'm unhappy. NOOOOOO...

i think the disjointedness also partially came from the lack of time lah. haha. shall blog properly after math test. =)

just came back from british council. very tired. shall sleep. XS

Labels: school

Monday, April 23, 2007

two squiggly color splashes

Yay! I was high in the morning! But then, as fizzah predicted, i wore out at the end of the day and became un-high. haha.

Royce gave me two colorful 'squiggly splashes' ear studs! haha. one pink and one green. yay! X)
I shall wear them when my current ear studs' metal finally give way. yesh.

And I was so dumb! We were only supposed to do the essay outline for the econs assignment and I went on to do the entire essay! argh...lol.

btw, i'm still pissed off my that idiot. urgh.

I think I screwed up for film soc too. Supposed to arrange for people to go down and film street dance CIP today, but I've been so busy over the weekend that I completely forgot to double check that someone's going down. Last minute situations arose in the end. No one was free to go down. Luckily, Nai Chien was to the rescue again! He went straight after his bio mock spa...albeit late, but at least we had someone down there...YAY. NAI CHIEN'S THE SAVIOR!!! THX X) sorry tianni too, for screwing up. =(

Went to look for sherry to see if she could go for the filming (she can't.) and Eug was being damn cute! like high and hyper. haha. 3-yr-old innocent kid! LOL. sherry took a picture! too bad I didn't...coz it's really funny! haha. wonder why everyone was so high today.

Thx Candy for the mentos! haha. that's random.

I did nothing much for CO prac today too. Was originally planning to go some nice remote area (like outside LT4) to prac with zhangying. ended up going back with the zhongruan so that the syf pple can change the strings. and so we had to prac there. and i felt so uncomfortable practising in front of the pros...haiz.

Went home with Royce and Jiangning in the end. haha. I'm going home earlier and earlier! XP

Was talking to sherry about different kinda hot guys. Sherry categorized them into "macho hotness" and "gay hotness". apparently, all the guys i find hot and get attracted to belongs to the gay category. Because I don't classify them as gay...i just call them non-macho. haha. and i get turned off by over macho-ness anyway. haha. i think i'm weird.

Then when I was going home with Royce and Jiangning, we started talking about girl hotness. XP I didn't start the topic! Jiangning did! so coincidental...

I live in a weird weird world. which fits me really well. XD


ooh...i just realised how disjointed this post is. haha. and i shall sleep early today. do math tutorial and sleep at 11pm. in preparation for my late night brit council tmr. =( cannot slp early tmr le. sad.

Labels: school

Sunday, April 22, 2007

some idiot.

I'm definitely in a bitchy mood today. it's confirmed. I AM PISSED.

some idiots just love to assume stuff...unpleasant stuff..about people they don't know much about. that pisses me off...big time.

and nope, nobody assumed stuff about me today. i'm talking about someone else.
but it's sooooo irritating! urgh. i hate those kinda people.

it's less of a crime to assume pleasant stuff about people though.

anyway, i'm gonna sleep early tonight! =) keeping my resolution...haha.
i think my PI is screwed.
and my econs essay assignment is lousy too.

oh, thx kaiqi for giving me the question! =)
and weizhi too! for telling me the mark allocation. haha.
nitez. ciao.

Labels: thoughts

urgh.

Tell me, how on earth am i supposed to feel at ease at home? when at any point of time during dinner, your very own sister and dad can join hands to suan you? remind me again why i don't like having dinner at home. remind me again why i don like going home. and they blame me for liking to stay out so much.

shit. i feel really bitchy. what's wrong with me today.

PUMA

I can't find my econs tutorial assignment. which is due tomorrow. shit. =(

Dad (and mum, though mum was a bit reluctant) got me a pair of puma for birthday prezzie! yay! =) this is the first time they got me a birthday prezzie, such an expensive present too. they don't usually splurge on me...if i want something this expensive..namely above 30 bucks, i usually need to get it on my own. unless it's for school. or it's a necessity.

so, i was a bit shocked when Dad bought it for me. hmm. I know my parents dote on me. but I still can't get over the fact how much i disappoint them just by being myself. for liking and enjoying the stuff that they disapprove or can't understand how someone can enjoy it so much, e.g. web design, performances/concerts. and by disliking stuff that they like...e.g. roller coaster and physics. these minor stuff adds up you know. then there are the more major stuff like ideology...like how one should live their life. i think i'll be the kinda girl who goes late night to pubs/clubs every fortnight or so, stroll by the river now and then, goes esplanade for performance every week, etc when i'm earning my own living....and i don't think mum and dad's gonna be very approving. in fact, mum explicitly told me she disapproves. especially on late night. the association of late night with the dark side (or namely ah-lians and naughty girs/women). ok. nvm, we'll see how it goes after i'm 21. maybe i'll compromise here and there...

and my sis is kinda angry with me. she cooled down, but she's treating me in a very bad way. becoz she thinks i'm acting goody shoes today. although i think she acts goody shoes everyday.

am i being very bitchy today? =( i really don't like feeling the way i do now.

oh, shan and sean came over to study today. sean is still easily distracted and shan's having a DIFFICULT time teaching him german. haha. poor poor poor shan. XP oh, and the tag by skydudie's sean. bleh. lame-o. he looks like primary 6. quite cute lah. haha. HEY SEAN, IF YOU COME BACK TO THIS BLOG AND IS READING THIS...I TAKE BACK MY WORDS. =P and fine, he's taller. the whole world's taller than me. hmph. and shan's super tall. i've been attacked by two giants in my own room! help! argh...okay. sean's not a giant yet. he's only 1cm or so taller than me..

my sis is pestering me to get her Kapo again.
here's a pic of the shoes! which i'm not gonna wear till my current shoes fall apart. haha.


Actually there were two other pairs which i liked a lot. i like the other two more than this pair in fact. but they don't have my size for the other two pairs. especially the orange one. coz it's supposedly a "guy" design and the smallest they had was 7 1/2. and i wear 5 to 6 1/2. =( there was my size for the green one...but it's sooo expensive that i decided i'll take the pink one instead. X)

Labels: weekend

Saturday, April 21, 2007

i'm seventeen.

I know I said that this year's birthday is the worst ever. But I changed my mind. Although I'm still a little bit upset. But Sammie and Shan remembered after all. And some more people wished me happy birthday. Nice people like gekmin and fizzah. Qiongye even called to say happy birthday. first time i recieve phone call just to wish me happy birthday, and not with some other hidden agenda. lol. I feel loved. haha. thanks everyone for making me feel loved! X) I'm being spoilt today. LOL.

So this is my worst and best birthday so far, simultaneously.

people who i never expected to remember my birthday wished me happy birthday today.
but that person still never remember my birthday though..haiz. =( and there's only barely more than an hour for that person to remember. it really mean a lot to me, for that person to remember. it'll completely make my day...but he's not remembering.

Went to watch a movie with royce in the afternoon today. Wanted to watch Mr Bean, but coz I was late (and royce didn't scold me coz I'm birthday girl and birthday girl gets the privelege) so we ended up watching teenage mutant ninja turtles. I remember I was still rather crazy over them in lower secondary, watching the cartoon every weekend. haha. It's been a bit of "journey back to childhood" kinda thing these two days. First with jazz playing sesame street, which was my kindergarten daily fix, and today i watched ninja turtles. haha.

Mum was trying hard to be extra nice to me when I got back from the movies. I think both of us felt bad about today's argument. i think i won't compromise on the issue of me having two ccas, but i'll try listen to her more often from now on. like sleeping before 12mn whenever possible. it's good for me anyway...coz it'll please the teachers that i no longer sleep (or look sleepy) in class. I don't wanna disappoint mr neo or mr kamel anymore. they've been so nice to me.

So, new resolutions to the list.

• Sleep earlier. Before 12mn. If that goes well, I' ll try up the target to 11.30pm, then 11pm.

I just realised I forgot what my entire list of resolutions were. Okay, I'll go dig it up.....
Okie! here it is...from entry on 19th March 07..updated with new resolutions! yay! I'll like print it out and put on the door or something. and read it every night. haha. i'll like bold stuff i've already succeeded, asterisk stuff i'm improving in. then i'll have to focus on the ones which i have not started on yet.
______________________________________
SO.....A FORMAL LIST OF 2007 RESOLUTIONS. reserve the right to add items onto the list. but not the right to remove any of the items. XP

1. *Reduce emo-ing to at most 30% of the time. And reduce extent of emo-ing.*
2. *Rely less on friends. Become more independent.*
3. More will power. And actually start doing things I should have started years ago. Not gonna elaborate what are those stuff.
4. *Start studying. There's A levels. And I don't wanna risk letting my mum use my grades as an excuse to stop my guitar lessons. XS*
5. *Less computer. (*heart is shattering...ouch*) No choice, with GP tuition and guitar lessons added onto the list. I really should spend less time on computer. Not to mentioned my com just got confiscated. So when I get it back, definitely less computer.*
6. NAPFA - SILVER (in fact, i got gold. X) )
7. Sleep before 12mn. Before 11pm if possible.
   

AND ULTIMATE TASKS must do IN 2007 (again, right to add items, but not to remove any.)

1. STUDY
2. LEARN THEORY. LEARN GUITAR. AND ZHONG RUAN. AND TRY TO LEARN KEYBOARD.....TRY.
3. NEW LAYOUT. seriously. and cut away crap in the sidebar.
4. PORTFOLIO. i've been procrastinating on this for years..
5. TRAIN FOR NAPFA. 2.4km run, shuttle-run, SBJ. how do u train for shuttle anw...
6. PLAY BASKETBALL. coz i'm so lousy that i can't stand it.
7. PAINT A MURAL IN MY ROOM. year-end lah.
8. LEARN JAP. i forgot like more than half of what i knew lah. X(

______________________________________

OH! AND BIRTHDAY PREZZIES! yay! =) everyone's telling me they're giving me my prezzies on monday. haha...so far, i know caiqiang's gonna give me a pink pencilbox! and royce is giving me 'colorful earrings'. haha.

Oh, my sis just gave me a pair of earrings! =) the primary 6 sister! X) but she asked her friend to choose for her coz she was not confident of her own taste. aiyo. i much preferred she choose herself, even if it looks ultra ugly de. but what her friend chose looks nice too lah. maybe not really what i would have bought myself. haha. I LOVE HAOYI FOR THE THOUGHT ANYWAY! <3


my mum offered to buy me a present tomorrow. i rejected at first. coz i didn't know how to accept a present now when we are in this state. but i thought maybe our current state is also partially due to my current state of mind...something like 'pre-set notion'. so i'm going with them to malaysia tomorrow. to get a new pair of shoes.

haiz. i'm not exactly sad now anymore. i think i got tired. but i'm not exactly very happy either. i need a hug. desperately.

it's just bad timing for all the bad stuff to happen around your birthday period.

hopefully, i'll feel better tomorrow, when i wake up. ciao.

Labels: life

thank yous.

I looked through the previous post and found some stuff that i was in my mind but somehow never materialized in the entry. so i edited it! haha. Late night blogging after one long day has that effect. It's poor 'finger-mind coordination'. haha.

THANKS EVERYONE~ FOR REMEMBERING MY BIRTHDAY! This must be the year when the most people could remember my birthday! =) I feel so happy. But surprisingly, my two best friends haven wish me happy birthday yet. did they forget? =( oh wellz, jc life is busy. being in different jc is difficult. coz while living our busy lives, not seeing often equates to not remembering. haiz. SHAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME RJ??? =( rj's fun! XP

oh, oh, ranking! X) who wished me birthday first!!!! idea inspired by my sis. sorry if i left anyone out? THANKS EVERYONE!

1) Caiqiang
2) 08S05B
3) Samuel
4) Weizhong
5) Weiren
6) Wynne
weizhong, weiren and wynne were having pw discussion online with me. haha. and weizhong remembered after 12mn. X) )
7) Royce
8) Junwei
9) Jasmine yam
10) Eug
11) My sister!
12) Seng (through my sister?!?!)
13) Suen

and he forgot. he forgot my birthday. =(

Had another argument with my mum this morning though. on my birthday. great omen man. it's about the two ccas idea again. and my love for the night. i'm on the verge of not caring, but somehow i just can't bring myself to it. i think she's on the verge of disowning me too though. i disappoint her too much. we are just too different. i don fit in more than ever.

oh and she just admitted that she want an ideal daughter. not someone like me. and she's sad because she wanna work and earn money for her ideal daughter, and not for someone like me to spend it. she feels like she's working for nothing.

that aside. it's my birthday today! i shall enjoy it. she doesn't care about birthdays anyway.

Labels: life

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Yay! It's my birthday! haha.

Jazz concert was great. I love Jazz. First time I'm listening to jazz outside of a pub/bar setting though. haha. man, if only i could sing.

Eug, Royce, Clara's band was a real success! But maybe I'm biased. and it just so happened that they chose songs that i already knew and liked. so yea. but the others like them too i think. Sway is a nice song!!!! Clara and Jeffrey (did i spell his name wrongly?) look so kawaii on stage! haha...lol.

Yewei and Ian's band's good too! Gosh, talk about stage presence. YW's natural at acting Casanova. seriousy. i love that guy. lol. and Ian's drums are superb! can't believe I missed it twice. Now i know what eug meant when he said ian's drums are 'good'. haha. gosh, and yet he's quitting jazz. X(

but eug, u look cool when he plays drums. serious. the laid back kinda cool. haha. hope you'll reading this man. coz i won say it again. bleh. XP

Bought a yellow gerbera for clara and a orange one for yewei! =) and orchids for ian and joel. but then joel kinda disappeared right after the concert, so i ended up giving it to Ari (did i spell that wrong?). haha. i gave a kit kat to eug! X) and plums to royce! haha. coz give them flowers less than a month ago already..and i'm so sorry to jeffrey...forgot to buy him flowers. XP actually i forgot quite a few people..but i made it up with lollipops! haha.

Anywayz, I was miserable in school today. virtually cried for hours throughout the lessons. that i won't deny. but i'm okay now already. i calmed down over time. really. so don't worry people! maybe i can't exactly say i'm happy..but i can say that i smile now. haha. plus it's my birthday! i've got to be happy on my birthday afterall. or else i'll be too pathetic. haha.

and i thought some more today again! remember the question my sister and I were discussing? about how do you know when you really love someone? i figured, you only know that you really loved someone when you got over him. coz even after you get over him, he'll still remain special. you'll still look at him, smile at the thought of him...after you got over the initial hurt that is. the phrase that you get only one love in your life isn't true. when you love someone, you'll never stop loving. you can only get over him. and when you got over someone, it just means that you no longer have the desire...for him to reciprocate. and then one day, when the time is right, you fall in love all over again.
does that make sense? i bet it doesn't. haha.

OH. AND I LOVE THE 5B BIRTHDAY CARD! THANKS EVERYONE! =)
and sorry teachers, for disappointing you so.

Labels: school

Thursday, April 19, 2007

hairdryer.

I just realized the hairdryer is now a permanent fixture in my room. Reminding me of my late night habits. I return home late most of these days and have to dry me hair with hairdryer so much more than the rest of the family. I'm ruining my hair with heat.

Feeling waaaaay better now btw.

Anyway, I've decided that I shall go sleepless tonight. or at least less sleep. I shall mug tonight! I think my emo-ness tonight happened because my pace slackened slightly. I shall stimulate hectic-ness by mugging! yesh!

P.S. to you-know-who-you-are: i just don't wanna go back to secondary school days. i wanna be normal for once. can't rely...can't go on like that for the rest of my life. and don't tell me it's normal to keep going for sessions even after I leave school and join society. that's crap. enough people pestering me about it already, i don't need another one. especially you. so, i'm gonna dao you until you stop. seriously...maybe i should intro you to my friend...both of you were on the exact same wavelength today. but then again, you hate the R pple. sigh.
I can handle it okay? I will learn to cope. Don't worry already. Just give me some time.

Bad day.

Today's a bad day. But I realised that I gave away too much the other day when I blogged about a bad day, so i don't think i'll blog anything here today at all. Just feeling awful. Went to the rooftop...it's a good thing to have a phobia of heights. I'll never die ugly then. haha. and i figured, since i'm not dying tonight, i don't think i'll die in the near future. to people who were worried about me tonight, don't worry anymore. And to people who were irritated by me tonight, i'm sorry.

Love-hate relationship - The good times in JC are million times better than secondary school life. but then the bad times are million times worse than those in secondary school too.

at least i feel better than an hour ago. i think.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Another quiz.

And my future lies in....

You scored as Psychology/Sociology. You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Psychology, Sociology, or related majors (e.g., Counseling, Industrial-Organizational (I-O) Psychology, Social Work, or other social science majors). It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Psychology and Sociology are both great minors to add to any major. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal. Psychology/Sociology 75% French/Spanish/OtherLanguage 75% Visual&PerformingArts 69% Education/Counseling 69% PoliticalScience/Philosophy 63% Accounting/Finance/Marketing 56% HR/BusinessManagement 56% Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health 50% Religion/Theology 50% English/Journalism/Comm 50% Biology/Chemistry/Geology 44% History/Anthropology/LiberalArts 44% Physics/Engineering/Computer 44% Mathematics/Statistics 6% WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU? created with QuizFarm.com

Hmm...I think sociology's more possible than psychology. X) but i doubt i'll go into that lah. haha.

Labels: quiz

i am HAPPY

lol. Been quite some time since I've used something that positive as a title eh?

Anywayz, I'm happy not only because I've got over lots of unhappy things and sorted out most of my complicated and 'non-existent' problems, but also because almost the whole world seem to be getting on with their lives and striving to feel happy. Yay!

Congratz everyone for feeling happy! Except for the few...who I noticed are not so happy recently. =( I wanna say that I've noticed..but I don't wanna make such a big fuss over it coz I wouldn't want a big fuss over me myself. So yea..But be HAPPY everyone! Yay!!

Finally got to hear joel play flute in jazz. haha. quite nice i think, the sound of flute in jazz. hee.. X)

Brought guitar to school today. Thought zhangying might want to try learn. lol. but couldn't arrange to meet up with her in school today in the end. so yea. but it's not a wasted effort! i practiced and got through one more lesson worth of stuff. Wonder how Tino will react later in guitar class. haha.

And IHG pictionary today. BW's groups have a lot of chemistry!!!! They know each other so well, that even just a few lines of scribbling can communicate something! seriously!!! so envious!
BB got third out of the four positions in finals...BW got both first and second. MR got fourth. Joel says that since BW got first and second, then technically BB would be counted as second in the overall results for pictionary. hmm...not to sure about that. coz that's not how rg calculate interhouse scores i think. shall clarify with sruthi.

okie, shall go eat then go for guitar. maybe i'll blog more later. lol. got a lot of things to say....so much to say, so little time. haiz...XP

Labels: school

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

the word that starts with H again - insanely busy

I feel a bit hurt. Coz jiangning said she's going home soon yesterday when i asked her whether she's staying back in school. and yet royce blogged that they went out after school yesterday. like jiangning don't welcome me spending time with her...but i guess I'm overreacting lah. shouldn't be so sensitive, tsk tsk.

Anyway, I'm super pissed!!!!! Jonathan dissappeared right after british council class so i couldn't ask him for the 6.20 he owes me. It's been 3 weeks already! and i'm super broke. X(

Today my brain a bit dead. Still having a splitting headache. I think I must have broken my record or something. 3hrs of sleep for past 36-48hrs or so. yet i had 5 items yesterday and 2.4km run today. AND i only just reached home. at 11pm. took a shower and blog this entry.

I RAN 14.32 FOR 2.4KM RUN TODAY! YAY! that's a B btw. Never got such a good timing before. lol. improved by 2whole mins!!! haha. i really do work under pressure.

Econs lecture test. I'm gonna fail. I only wrote one and three quarters sides, and drew 3 diagrams. and i ran out of things to write 5mins before time was up. others wrote 3-7sides, and drew 4-9 diagrams. shit. i really studied real hard for this, and if i fail this, i donno what i'm gonna do.

and i ended up returning Crash to sean without watching it. simply no time to enjoy a good film. X( oh, but he taught scriptwriting skills today, and it's really really helpful! yay! i like today's workshop. could have been better if i wasn't half asleep and suffering from poundind headache. which i am still having now.

why am i so addicted to blogging? lol.

anywayz, during workshop today sean screened heart candy. i think zei's really traumatised by it. haha. super funny. i'm gonna watch heart candy with sherry from start to end some time this week i think.

somehow, i get this funny feeling tonight that my life has become so hectic by choice. maybe i'm making myself so busy so that i don't have time to think, to feel emo, to feel lonely. so that i don't feel hurt when people don't want me around. so that i can cope with being alone. so that i won't think so much about the reality that everyone will leave me sooner or later. honestly. i simply don't have the time to be sad anymore.

argh. had no time to study today. just like most tues. sigh. and still got math assignment to do. and it was due on monday. bleh. X( and lots and lots of work to do. but then, with my terrible headache right now, i can't do much anyway. so i shall just leave everything tmr bah. ciao. i shall sleep.

TMR'S IHG PICTIONARY! AND GREEN DAY! BUCKLE BUCKLEY SHALL OWN ALL THE OTHER HOUSES! WOOT! oh, and film soc exco voting. opps, i still haven prepare my speech yet. i shall prepare it tmr during the breaks. yesh.

Labels: school

Obstacles to my current school life.

MY MUM.

I've always said that I don't have supportive parents. Here's evidence.
Her main objections to my current school life:

1. Two CCAs - She wants me to quit one.
2. Running for film soc exco - She thinks I shouldn't run. and film soc's a crap cca anyway. who cares about film.
   
3. Participating in school activities such as drama fest and inter-house games - She thinks I shouldn't bother.
4. Class outings - She thinks it's a waste of time.
5. School performances - I shouldn't go watch them. Waste time.
   
6. Outside performances - Waste of time. Art is only for the boliao people, she says.
7. Guitar lessons - drop it lah. you won't be able to cope.
   

Overall, I'm supposed to conserve energy for acadamic work, and not be enthu, not waste time on 'unnecessary' stuff. Which is very against my way of life now. I feel as though I'm some super bad girl, not listening to her...but then by listening to her, I'll longer be me. it's a wonder i'm still going on with her giving negative support all this while. all i ask for is more support, or at least be more tolerant with what i like to do and what i am doing. is that too much to ask?

i feel like i should start keeping parts of my school life away from her from now on. that's the only solution i can think of so far.

Labels: life, rant

Monday, April 16, 2007

OOH~ GEKMIN AND LORRAINE JUST DECIDED WE SHALL HECK GP PRESENTATION. that's one less thing to worry abt. now i only have econs. yipee yipee yay! X)

hectic days return, disguising my emptiness

Well, I was happy today. though empty...I guess I've subconsciously decided that I shall try not mind being alone anymore so that I'll suffer less. And maybe it worked to a certain extent. But I felt empty.

PW in com lab 3. I went to my usual computer terminal, to find.....Shuli's PW booklet! Muahahahaha. Wanted to keep it till I see her and use it as hostage so that she will have to allow me to hug her. But then decided against it later on, in case she needs it quite urgently. There are notes scribbled in there afterall. So I passed it to Mel Ho...she should see her more than I do. Hopefully she passed it to Shuli already. hee..

Today school isn't that hectic. But it's gonna be. I have.....

1. GP Presentation
2. 2.4km Run
3. Economics Lecture Test

So, I'll have to sleep early tonight. Or my muscles will die tomorrow. Yet, I need time to do GP and mug econs. Lorraine came out with the great idea which might just save us from GP, but whether the idea works remain to be seen.

Speaking of 2.4km run....5-items! ANNOUCEMENT: I ACTUALLY GOT GRADE C FOR STANDING BOARD JUMP AND SHUTTLE RUN! two of my worse items and I got C. Wow. hee~ so, now I have 20 points...A for situps and sit and reach, B for incline pullups, and C for standing board jump and shuttle run. Which means, if I can manage to get less than 16mins, a C grade, I can still get a gold. Been so long since I last got a gold. Last time was in....sec 2? haha. I SHALL GET A GOLD. I DON'T CARE. X( sigh...I just cannot do anything which involves the use of my legs.

can't wait for jazz concert. I just love jazz. sigh. too bad i can't sing. lol. today the jazz pple were having rehearsals i think...keep feeling like going over and crash/watch. but then i stayed guai and stayed in the classroom to practise zhongruan. I think Sihui and Xinhui were drived nuts by my consistent "inner struggle". To peep or not to peep, that is the question. HAHA. but i decided not to in the end. coz then i'll get a nice surprise on friday! YAY! I love I love I love I love jazz music! haha.

As i was saying, i didn't really feel all that good today. But i met oi shan on the train! yay!!! (shan, i spelt your name out! aren't u proud of me? but shan's so much nicer than oi shan...lol) so yep, we talked a lot, and I got to hear about her school and her new life, and how freaked out she is, blah, blah. shan't blog about it in case random pple come and read and then screw shan up. haha. so yep. I cheered up! as always. yay!!!! I LOVE YOU SHAN.

eh, i think i got a bit touchy today. hmm...keep "sexually-harassing" sihui, xinhui and shan. lol. what's the matter with me today?haha.

i spent 10mins typing the above. tsk tsk. i'm the queen of procrastination. okie, back to mugging! gambatte! must get at least 5 hrs of sleep tonight in prep for 2.4km run tmr! YESH. shall blog tmr abt how hectic this week will become. haha. ciao.

Labels: school

Sunday, April 15, 2007

half-lies

Sorry but I half lied. When I blog so much in 24 hours, it usually means that I need some kinda support, and blogging gives me some of that kinda support.

I wasn't lying about how zhongruan and guitar rocks though.

And mum really did show me more concern tonight. She actually remembered that I prefer TieGuanYin Tea to JuBao tea and took the trouble to ask whether we can have another pot of TieGuanYin Tea in addition to the JuBao Tea we're having. Dad thought I was fussy.

I felt touched by my mother's actions tonight.

But I still feel empty. My sisters don't respect me at all. They take me for granted and used me to vent their anger/frustration whenever something isn't going well for them. Maybe I'm guilty of that sometimes too though.
But I hate it when my sis becomes sarcastic and sneers at me. It makes me feel worthless.

I really hate myself sometimes. Maybe that's why nobody ever likes me fully. That's why people will eventually leave me. It's a sooner or later kinda thing. My world is full of new footsteps coming in, and simultaneously, footsteps going out. It's a constant torture, but it's usually bearable. Till someone very significant decides to step out that is. So far, that has happened twice. And is on the verge of happening the third and fourth time, if I'm not wrong. Yes, it's very likely to happen the third and forth time within this year.

I'm not emo-ing tonight. I'm merely facing the facts.

So, I'd like to apologize to all my friends. Especially friends who bothered to come read my blog entries, despite them being similar rants over and over again. Despite my tendency to dramatize stuff quite a bit.

I love all my friends. I really do. Even friends who I've only spoken to once or twice, only maybe to a smaller extent than friends who I've known for a longer time. Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to crush, but so difficult for me to really fall in love. As my sister once put it, I confuse love with friendship. With me, the thin line between love and friendship is muddled.

Having said that I love all of you, I wanna say next that I'm really sorry for being such an irritating and self-centered girl. I'd like to think that I put you guys on first priority all the time, but that's no longer the case. I'm becoming extremely selfish. I'm sorry. But I still care, trust me. I care, and I feel with you. When you're sad, I'd find reasons to feel sad along, or if that fails, I'll just be sad because you're sad. When you're happy, my sadness lightens considerably and I feel happier too. So please trust me, I want to be a good friend. And I'm trying to learn how to be one. Just give me time, and don't leave so soon.

My greatest fear had been loneliness. But now I realized the fact that I'll never be lonely because new people keeps coming into my life, yet the threat of loneliness just keeps looming about, coming closer then further, toying me about. That fact tortures me even more than the fear of loneliness.

Maybe I'm not rational now. Maybe I just think I'm rational right now. Maybe I'm thinking with my heart instead of my mind right now, again.

Maybe I should learn from Friends. Withdraw. Learn to love loneliness. That way I'll suffer less.

And I realized that I have not called sammie yet. And I can't. In case she's asleep.

Labels: thoughts

GUITAR ROX! ZHONGRUAN ROX!

haha. today i blog so much. this is like the fourth entry! it didn't feel like i've blogged so many times today. how on earth did i managed to blog four times, when i'm constantly on the go today? hmm..

anyway, this entry is crap. it's purely becoz i'm hyped now. haha..and i need rest from practising guitar. my fingers are hurting like hell from pressing the strings. and tmr got CO prac somemore!!!
zhongruan strings even harder to press! lol. aft tmr, my fingers will become numb and senseless. LOL. but i need to keep practising!!! coz i keep pressing to near the fret for the first fret on guitar. urgh. i don't face that problem with zhongruan one..hmm.. X( then got this yucky buzzing sound. either that or the it sounds super flat. =( oh wellz, i shall gambatte! and tmr i will gambatte on zhongruan! yay!!!! I LOVE ZHONGRUAN NOW~ all thanks to zhangying. haha.

jingxuan lost my passport size photo. and she was worried someone will pick it up and use it for voodoo. haha.

and i love the CO tanbo teeshirt that jingxuan designed! HAHA. shall upload the design photo after we have voted on which color tmr! yay!!!

i realised i've just spent less than a minute typing all that. wow. haha. ciao. i shall practise some more, and then finish up my math assignment, and then sleep. yay!!!! seriously, i get my priorities mixed up. haha. fine. but i almost finish the math le mah...

okie. now, really must say goodbye le. GOODBYE GOODNIGHT! YAY!!!

Labels: random

feeling good.

Just came back from dinner with my family, and i must say it's been such a long time since I last felt good/comfortable having dinner with them! =) So I'm happy! It must be because my grandma's there...Everyone has the tendency to try avoid quarrellings and unpleasant feelings just because she's there! YAY! and I love my brother. He really brightens up my every day. X)

The food's not so good today though. What on earth is wrong with Crystal Jade today? hmm...

And I kinda came out with a solution to my current state! muahahahaha. I think I shall update sammie on this solution I came out with and see if she agrees. Something to do with long term observation on the frequency of certain thoughts over the next couple of days. My next steps will then be linked to my observation. yay!

wah...so science. can't believe myself. XP but the inspiration came from some story written by some singaporean author though. LOL. title's "I Believe You" by Low Kay Hwa. 17 out of 20 chapters are online. not exactly really good literature, a bit cliche at parts even, but sweet nevertheless. hee X) link: http://www.goodybooks.com/ibelieveyou.htm i might even consider buying it! nxt mth when i'm not broke i mean.

which reminds me...Jonathan haven return me my money yet! RAWR!!!!

free advertising...Raffles Art Week for Real starts tomorrow! X) so does earth week! haha.

Labels: weekend

bitter sweet seventeen

I'm really not myself today. I mean, it's true what jn said. Once you can pinpoint exactly what is upsetting you, you'll be able to manage better. I'm managing better. That doesn't make me less....uncomfortable? is that the word?

I go around like some mad woman, knowing exactly where and what I'm doing, but at the same time unsure. I'm just not into all the work today. My mind's not in.

I'm suffocating. No longer coz of home...or maybe just to a smaller extent due to home. rather, there are a lot of other stuff going on now. Like Fei Fei said, now we know why age 16 is called sweet 16, coz once you reach 17, it becomes bitter sweet. you love it, yet you hate it. problems just come after you non-stop. worse still, these problems are non-physical...maybe non-existent even.

and one problem always have to be followed by another of similar nature. uck.

i hate growing up. I seriously need to sort out my inner state.

Is it true that some feelings just cannot be controlled?
If not, explain what I'm feeling now and what I've done wrong..

Labels: thoughts

disjointed.

I come home only to found my blog not accessible. Because I have forgotten to renew my domain. So now I'm stuck with blogspot. And with using others' layouts. Which I don't really mind, for now anyway. Since I'm too busy to bother about layouts anymore. Maybe I'll do something about it after I got inspiration for a new layout.

Choir concert was okay, i guess. But maybe I'm not really in a mood to talk about tonight.

I'm tired. But I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna think either.

I got jealous today again. Jealousy's gonna be my downfall. I'm too prone to jealousy. Just like how I'm always jealous of Germy coz she's such a good friend of Sammie and jealous of Sammie coz she's such a good friend of Germ. I mention this coz this is quite a well known fact. They both know I get jealous. And they don't mind. And usually I'm fine after a while so it's okay for me too. Other instances of my jealousy attacks are not well known at all though.

I don't know what I'm blogging about.

I have some thoughts of what to do but I don't know whether I should listen to them a not.

I'm confused. With life. With my feelings. With what I'm doing. Not in the sense like what I'm doing with my acadamic work, cca, etc...but more like what I'm doing with...Life. Friends. Family. People Stuff.

I used to be good with people. What happened? And it took me four years to realise that I'm no longer good with people.

Or maybe I never was good in the first place.

I think I shall sleep. And think less. Maybe I'll blog tomorrow morning when my thoughts are more coherent. ciao.

Love me - that's all I ask of you.
Anywhere you go let me go too...
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

Labels: thoughts, weekend

Friday, April 13, 2007

continued.

Feeling slightly better now. Maybe just plain tired even.

Crashed Jazz in the end...right in the middle of their prac. Saw Him and we talked a bit too. He was rushing off to something else. I forced myself to feel fine. So i guess I'm fine? Yep..I think so. I'm fine. It's just nice to see him smile...so even if I'm not feeling completely happy because of him, I'm happy that he's happy. i hope he's not emo-ing today. i think he's not...he didn't look like he's gonna emo today.
but maybe i'm not feeling completely happy not because of the same old feelings. it has changed definitely..but how has it changed? aiya, i don't even know what I am saying already. I don't even know exactly what I'm thinking myself. Am I making sense? maybe not...maybe it's because it's night. and I'm tired.

oh, and i'm not so sad about Friend already. Coz I didn't really bother Friend during Jazz prac today, and Friend talked to me twice or so in a friendly manner. Okay, so maybe I can't be very close to Friend anymore...but that's better than nothing I guess. I'll just keep regarding Friend as someone I wanna be good friends with, even if Friend don't feel the same way. Hopefully, one day we'll be good friends again.

Went home with Jiangning, Royce and Shuli today! YAY! i think our chemistry was good today! =) one more person to my "People-Who-I-Like-A-Lot" list. I think Shuli's really nice. I wanna know her better. haha.

I realized first impressions affect me a lot. If I feel comfortable with the person within the first 10 minutes of being alone talking...either really alone, or separate from a group of people for just that few minutes, I tend to have a very strong desire to want to be good friends with the person. Just 10 minutes is sufficient for me to have that kinda strong feelings towards someone. That has happened to me at least four times since I entered JC.

There are a few persons I feel like calling tonight. But then I thought they may be tired...not online tonight. but sammie's online...maybe i can call her and catch up with her while i try to sleep.

Friends' voices are comfort to my soul.

Okie. I'm really tired. So i need to sleep. Gotta wake up earlier tomorrow. CO prac, then must study, and then make stars/flowers/cards and then it's Chorale Concert!!!! X)

Labels: school

non-chronological series of events and happenings

Yesterday onwards, pace of my life kinda slowed down. Till today I'm like slacking. It's true I think that I only feel the inclination to study when I'm under pressure.

But now it's obvious that my 'bubblyness' is definitely linked to how hectic my life is. Once it has slowed down, it feels as though my mood slowed down too. Or maybe it's just because I'm still recovering from yesterday's 'emo attack'. lol.

Today, everything felt like a blur. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going. This morning my OG's supposed to be celebrating April Babies birthdays, but I missed it. Coz I was late. And I went to C61 for PW lesson, forgetting that we're having today's session at com lab 3. And when I was approaching com lab 3, i thought I was on the 3rd level and went to the staircase and climbed up. Only to find myself at the door to the rooftop. Some kinda symbolism???

Somehow, everything significant to me since my entry into JC life revolves around rooftops.

Throughout today, from physics practical onwards, Samantha and Stacy has been engrossed in Shaz's book of word search puzzles. Reminds me of the time in primary school when I was addicted to word search. XP I might go get one of those and start doing again too.

This reminds me that I've completely abandoned my cross stitch. I'll pick it up again soon.
And I shall start sourcing for inspiration for a new blog layout. and portfolio.

This morning, recieved sms from royce. I think I might be watch Blithe Spirit with him. But that's if I find a way and come up with the money for it. Blithe Spirit is expensive, compared to Exquisite Pain.

Just signed up for the manga drawing and beadwork workshops! organised by RAWR (Raffles Art Week for Real). would have signed up for the other two workshops on card making and balloon sculpting too, if not for the fact that they crash with my ccas. X)

Chorale concert tomorrow! and Jazz concert next week! =)
but oh dear, i overspent this month and now am left with no money for flowers. =( and i promised Yihui a gerbera...hmm....I need to figure out a way. Maybe I'll try making them. haha. How on earth do you make a paper gerbera???

Now I come to my real purpose of blogging. After blogging so much non-chronological stuff. Realised everytime I blog, there's always something bugging me, and I need to vent it out on blog, hidden or outrightly rant.
So, there is this friend. And this friend's rather dao these days. And friend actually frankly told me recently why friend's a bit dao these days. that was okay. coz then i was already starting to change. but then friend gave me a feeling today that friend don't want me as a friend anymore. and i didn't even bother friend recently. =( friend, am i really that irritating? i'm tried not to. can't even give me that little bit of credit? now i don't know what to do after school, because I cannot go to the place I usually go on fridays, coz i don't wanna irritate friend further. sigh. how pathetic can i get?
but then i suppose not going there is a good thing coz then i don't have to see Him. fine.
but it won't matter coz i'll see Him anywhere in school anyway. Might as well get used to it. Especially after being emo yesterday, i need opportunity to force myself into getting it over and done with.
So, maybe i'll still go. later. and not irritate Friend.
Is that possible?

I'm pathetic.

Labels: school

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I said hi to the cow...

Physical contact was all that was needed to collapse the foundation of happiness I've been building these few days. Been rather emo from 4th blk physics lecture onwards. But I'm alright now...Jiangning knocked sense into me after school. As she always does. It's good to have such a rational friend. =) I SHALL GROW MATURE WITH THIS COMING BIRTHDAY! muahahahaha.

oh, and i think i might be celebrating my birthday alone after all. it's right after the jazz concert and the jazz people will be tired i think. so yea...it'll be birthday like the past few years. nothing new. yep.

Anywayz, Eugene Ho forwarded this to the whole class. Just so coincidental that it's the same project that I was filming yesterday. X) LET'S ALL GO SUPPORT FRIENDS! er...i'm lazy to type details of the event, so i shall just copy and paste what's in the email.


_________________________________
Random stuff
Today's one of the few days that I got back home before 7pm and am not drop-dead tired.

I feel proud of myself. I'm studying more than usual despite my busier schedule. er...nope, change that to insane schedule. wow, maybe i study only under pressure. that makes sense. hmm.

Tomorrow we are gonna get to know our PW groups! YAY! I can't wait! anticipation. lol.

Chorale concert this Sat!!! YAY!

i'll blog more later in the night, i think.

...and the cow says moo. X)

Labels: random, school

studying late in the night.

I suppose the only down side to studying in the middle of the night, is that it gives the illusion that time slowed down, and it gives you time to think. I thought. And I remembered him all of a sudden. Shucks.
I think there is a possibility that I don't even like him that way anymore. But the feeling of hurt simply stays.
I'll just complete my physics tutorial then go to sleep. Night gives me greater concentration. Usually.

I'm still happy anywayz, in case anyone's wondering. I'm still happy, regardless.

Labels: thoughts

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I feel like human again.

Yep. Not zombie. but human. all thanks to the two hour nap. I can't believe that I used to suffer from insomnia! nowadays, i just plop onto bed and get knocked out.

oh, btw, i broke my record. less than two hours of internet in three days. wow. i didn't think that i could survive with this little internet.

Today was just another day in school. The only difference is, I didn't have time for lunch, and by 3rd block (Economics), i was "semi-unconscious". meaning, drop-dead-tired.

Really wanted to leave school early today. Right after econs in fact. But then that would mean missing China studies. As much as I hate the subject, I know that if I miss tutorial/lecture, i'm doomed. I already have so little initiative in studying it on my own, lectures are really great help. So, I decided to just fight the urge and go for the double china studies block. with the help of a cup of mocha from seven-eleven. lol. I stayed awake for both blocks!

Original plan was to skip the physics makeup lesson after china studies and go back home to sleep. but guess what? Zei just have to ruin my plans. turned out he double booked himself and needs someone to replace him for the filming of street dance cip today. and....being the nice person i am, i decided to agree. despite being dead tired. and it turned out francisco and evelyn were going too, so i wasn't really needed. but oh wellz, a promise is a promise, and i still went in the end.

So, what happened was, I still ponned physics makeup, tried to catch a nap but the coffee was still acting on me, ended up playing two games of bridge and then went for filming. till 4+pm. Went to grab lunch at ang mo kio mos burger with evelyn then went straight home. and finally got my two hour of life-saving nap. YAY! so yesh, now i am human.

but you know, strange as it sounds, i think i'm happier precisely coz i'm busier. With a busier schedule, there's no choice but to emo less. In the first place, there's no time (or energy) to think too much about stuff and dwell on unpleasant feelings. so yep. I hope I can catch up on school work though. hmm.

Oh. and i just realised that i was super tired when i was typing the entry last night. either that or i was overwhelmed by the fact that my sister spoil the keyboard. lol. i'm still angry actually...coz i can't find the warranty for the keyboard anywhere. haiz...so being super tired and overwhelmed, i missed out on a few things that i want to blog about.

I BOUGHT NEW SOCKS YESTERDAY! finally done something i've procrastinated for so long. funny...it took me more than a month to buy something as simple as a pair of socks! X) but i like the pattern! hee..

and film workshop was fun! most of the stuff we covered back in rg during the film-making module though. but it's still fun! I borrowed Crash from shawn(our "teacher")! and realised that two out of four movies he screened are above our ratings. lol. Crash is M18! oh wellz, who cares. XP

random point: i wanna learn how to write good scripts! that means improving my command of language too..

oh, and it started raining as i was walking to the mrt station from sch after the workshop. shawn drove past and pitied me. so he gave me a lift. yay! thx!!! oh wellz, he's never gonna read this, so i'm thanking no one. lolx.

speaking of "teachers", today i told Tino during guitar lesson that I self studied till lesson 5. and he looked a bit shock. i might even think he's not really happy that his student is self studying..hmm. but i'll give him the benefit of doubt lah. haha. and he test me and i aced everything! yay! except for what notes the open strings play. but no worries. i came out with a way to remember it. Every Boy Gets Down And Eat. E-B-G-D-A-E. easy. =)

okie...better go do my physics now. yay! i feel proud of myself!

Labels: life, school

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

No longer pissed! X)

Half an hour ago, I was damn pissed off...Good thing I went to shower first before I blog. Or else this would be a very angry post. Haha.

The reason: My sister blew hot air from the hairdryer directly onto the keyboard. Don't ask why she did that. So, now the keyboard's not working. urgh. It's like my precious, and she broke it. It took me so much to persuade dad into buying it for me last year! argh! now it just has this humming sound when you on it, and the light won go on, and nothing came out when you press the keys. GRR. sigh. oh well. what's done is done i guess. at least I still got guitar to fool around with! till the keyboard gets fixed..

Damn tired from British Council. X( my schedule's like seasonal. haha. sometimes I'm so slack that everyone don't believe me. but then other times, like now, i'm so busy that i don't even get time to get a haircut.

oh yesh. i'm gonna cut my hair. but nope, don't get excited over it. i'm only gonna cut my fringe. haha. i look AWFUL with short hair. XP but this week's soooo busy....maybe i'll find time on thursday or friday...or maybe even saturday. haiz.

anywayz, tianni called me while i was in class at brit council and i called her back. guess what then? i got nominated for film soc exco. and i'm supposed to go for an interview. hmmm. just when i've just blogged about me not being suitable for positions a few days ago. think i can manage it this time round? GAMBATTE MEIYI!
i guess i'm the kinda person who, as sherry phrased it, "take it if it comes". that's how i ended up in lib exco last time too...coz i didn't really mind, so why reject it. it's just whether i'm up to the task a not.

then, on my way home from woodlands mrt station, this man stopped me at the void-deck of a block nearby and asked me whether i was rjc. and where did rjc moved to from buona vista. huh??? and it was near 11pm!!! diao. or maybe he was a rafflesian too...i guess i do that kinda thing sometimes too. stop random rg girls and ask about random stuff. haha.

okie. really gotta slp now. maybe i could try wake up early tmr morning to get some work done. there was no time to do work today at all!!! and i really gotta study my china studies. i'm way behind. ms poh's too nice to be dissapointed. i feel guilty. =S
and econs!!! i must improve my econs if i wanna take h3. so it's china studies and econs. and whatever tutorial i have tomorrow. argh. time not enough...X(

Labels: cca, life, rant, school

I saw a rainbow today!

Been blogging so much nonsense/feelings/rants, that i realised it's been so long since I last blogged about daily ordinary life! XP

But first, before I go on. I wanna tell people who are concerned about me that I'm making progress. So yea, don't worry. And right now, I'm more worried for him than busy being sad. So yea. And the fact is, I'm not so sad anymore. That's a good sign right? =)
I'm moving on with life! X) and blogging about life. haha.

Today started off beautiful! I saw a 7-color rainbow today! That's a big deal....no matter what ian says....it's a big deal. at least to me. I took a photo of it! X) but my camera sucks. X( and i was showing off this low-quality photo to everyone I met in school today to spread the cheer! =)



Actually, I don't understand why rainbows make me so high either. I just feel sincerely happy when I saw the rainbow. It's just so pretty...maybe not spectacular, but beautiful in a quiet manner. I felt happy, and there was no complicated emotions or reasons behind it. I just felt happy. =)

Anyway, nothing much about PW. We just work on our PIs. I wanna know our groupings soon though. I have a few people in mind, and I wanna see if I would be grouped with those people. Or at least one of the people. haha.

Physics lecture is something though! Last lecture I was already falling half asleep, this lecture's worse! He used half of the lecture time "recapping" on last lecture, which was basically reading out word for word out of the lecture notes. hmm...Apparently, he was Eugene (Ho not Seow)'s physics teacher when he was still in 5A, and according to reliable testimony (from Eugene), nobody can understand him. But seriously! He's just thinking to himself what he understands and how he would do the sums. that's not teaching...Haiz. I have no doubt he knows his stuff. But teaching's an art by itself! Now we know we should appreciate our good teachers. XP
I must give him credit for how amusing he is though. Take this. There was a problem on calculating velocities after someone leap off a trampoline. and he took care to mention that the problem mentioned a he, so "he" must be a "primary school boy". HMMM....oh, and halfway through going through an example solution, he chipped in "must use calculator properly". double HMMM....We'll see how he fares for next lecture lah. oh, eugene says that 5A had a nickname for him, derived from his name. Can't remember what was it though. Maybe I'll blog about it nxt time.

Then was China Studies...GP...PE....nothing much. except that i've declared to Ms Poh that I hate China Studies.

I finally went for CO prac today! although everyone was at DaZu practice. hmmm. but I stayed with zhangying outside LT4 and we (mostly me, since I missed two practices) shared a zhongruan and practiced! Zhangying's soooooo cool! She transcribed all by herself the jianpu for JuHuaTai (Jay chou's song) and played it on zhongruan! I copied from her and started learning too! haha. Added motivation for me to practice my zhongruan! LOL. We practiced till 5.30pm, and decided to go down to the canteen to eat. There, we met the DaZu people taking a break. So we "performed" our JuHuaTai in front of our seniors, and yifang and sihui started to try play the song on zhongruan too! haha. quite funny, seeing them struggle with zhongruan because it's too small. They're too used to playing daruan le. haha.

After that, I stayed back in school to do work. Gave up around 8+pm, and went up to the 5th floor to watch stars. Ended up falling asleep. XS by the time i woke up, it was 10pm already. haha.

That's my day! yay! I think I'm losing touch with how to blog about life. I sound a bit incoherent right? sigh.

I think I'm loving school! X) despite not having enough time cum willpower to finish my work. bleh.

The "L" key on my keyboard is screwed. X(

Labels: school

Sunday, April 08, 2007

need

Maybe it's because I've been blogging so much nonsense lately. I got my retribution. I don't know where i got the idea from, but somehow it feels wrong..to be treating your blog like something to cling onto, when you finally realise that you cannot keep clingy onto your friends whenever you meet rough patches. or simply feeling lonely.

Just had a talk with my mum. At least we talked this time. Not shout. I don't know what to feel anymore. The same hurt feelings. I mean, the same issues just resurface again and again. I know how much I've disappointed them. It's an unspoken thing, but we both know that we knew. I'm just....out. While my sister continues playing goody shoes, consciously or sub-conciously, i no longer know, since she's been so inconsistently nice and awful to me recently. Summarize this whole episode, and there's only one conclusion. I'm just not compatible with this family. All of a sudden, I find myself hoping my brother's not that similar to me after all. I cannot bear imagine him facing the exact same problems I am facing now. Hopefully, his gender will save him. In this traditional family which is suffocating me, tradition may very well be in his favor.

Then again, there's always the possibility of him growing up to be less and less like me. And I'll be lonely on another level once again.

My mum doesn't read this blog. I don't think she ever will. Even though I've sent this blog address to her email a million times already. But then I doubt it'll help any even if she reads it. She's simply on another level. another dimension. Then again, I might not blog as freely if she does read it?

I find myself needing something to rely on. It feels as though I've lost something. I have conveniently, but selfishly, relied on people at the beginning of the year. Which I have only just realized is not sustainable. And not very pleasant. How foolish of me to have thought that life could just go on like this? But now I know. And now I'm missing something.

I think I might go back to church next week after all. So what that I won't go back to conforming as a 'Christian'. I still need to rely. Maybe spiritual guidance is what I need now. And church is aplenty of that. Heck, I don't even need to talk to the people in church. I can just dao them if I want to keep myself from being drawn back in...

Now I sound like I'm trying to convince myself.

I think I'll see first.

Labels: life, thoughts

I just realised just how much I like Regina Spektor. I shall get her album. Someday. If I can actually find it. hmm.

I love her voice!!!! and her style!!! XP

okie. back to work. ciao.

bittersweet happiness

I'm happy now. not in the "burst out of bubble" way, but just happy. inside. coz he's happy.
I realised to a certain extent, my mood's like influenced by his blog entries these days. So, I don't really have to stop going to his blog. As long as he stays happy.

Yay! I like myself like this. It makes me seem selfless. Haha.

The entire family's going to the zoo today. Except for me. =( but i guess it serves me right. I procrastinated too much. Got to finish all that I have planned for this weekend! GAMBATTE TO ME.

I'm gonna continue piling work today! haha...practiced guitar last night and went all the way to lesson 5, all without teacher's supervision! self-study! haha. but lesson 5 onwards i got confused. XS oh well, at least that'll hint to Tino that he's teaching too slowly and need to fasten the pace. aiyo. i'll just practice whatever i understand for now lah. bleh.

More econs and physics today! =))) i RESOLVE to score well for econs okay..? X)
the possibility of being in event management or any other kind of management is appealing more and more to me. haha. we'll see lah. haha. who knows, i might not go into computers afterall. but really, see first lah.

maybe i shall try asking pple over to study with me. since i have the whole place to myself. maybe i'll try calling sammie. hmm..

Labels: weekend

Saturday, April 07, 2007

work. and the human voice

I did a lot of work today! Feeling so accomplished. Just kept mugging physics and econs for the whole day, taking only a half hour break at 10+ and another at lunch time. haha. Guess I got guilty after yesterday.

As a result, I have nothing to blog about. No time to think about stuff or whatsoever. haha. oh, but i did make a realization. when he's not emo, i'm happy! haha. wateva.

so yep. oh, and do the tests!!!!! (see the post below)

Anywayz...Just talked to shan....on phone....long long convo. nearly two hours. Feeling so much better now. I exist! haha..

Was super lonely today. But then I didn't dare to call/sms anyone. coz i scared i irritate/clingy pple again. shan says i shouldn't think so much. sigh.

but no one sms/called me either. till shan called. and we talked crap. XP

human voice does wonders for me. i think.

I LOVE SHAN! MUACKS. <3

about me.

Dear Friends,

Take these tests.

Most Basic of the Basics

http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/209452

Not-So-Basic

http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/209666

I might do one ultimate one...when I'm real bored. haha.

am i too weak or something?

i donno why. but i'm feeling hurt again. for a completely different reason. i think i shall go and sleep. jiangning says that sleep is a good remedy. i think so too.

God.

i just put my blog address onto my msn nick. once again. shucks. i guess i'm still secretly hoping for that person to be interested enough to want to read about my thoughts and my life. fine.

i need self discipline. i need to learn to restrict my own behavior. and emotions.
and i think i blog too many tiny non-substance entries on holidays.

i thought about God a few minutes ago. been rather long time since i last thought of Him. since i renounced my 'Christianity'. ouch. this is sensitive. but i felt like i need to talk about it.

I was rather desperate just now. desperate for something to rely on. i felt like i have the most un-supportive parents of all. like how sherry's dad went out of the way to make props for her for bbdf, how royce's parents were actually interested enough in his thoughts and feelings to want to read his blog. and contrast that with mine. i guess i might be a bit unfair in my judgement of them, since whenever i am sick they'll show concern, and i admit that my mum genuinely gets worried when i am out late. but whoever's dad makes jokes at his daughter's expense, in front of outsiders even?? just today, my dad 'joked' that seeing me at the dinner table makes him lose appetite.

my mum noticed my reduced intake of food...coz i didn't go for second helping. looks like my diet might be ruined.

anywayz, i told her that my appetite becomes smaller when i don't go to school. and my dad said that seeing me at the dinner table makes his appetite smaller.

i'm supposed to be taking that as a joke.

i supposed i am used to it already. but that doesn't make it okay. i've been taking this kind of "jokes" for as long as i have lived, and i am still not OKAY with it. i just gave up feeling overly upset over it.

so as usual, my parents refuse to give support over every single thing i do. the most they'll do is tolerate it. since the things i do are all so out of the family norm. so yea, just like what happened tonight. don wanna talk about it.

and i thought of God. for support. it worked i guess. i'm actually shocked. surprised that it worked. i mean, i've forsaken him for so long..

Nope. i'm not going back. The term 'Christians' is quite a superficial categorization. being what i am now, i don have to conform to what the 'Christians' believe, or how they act. I'm just myself. it's a bit like back to basics. i guess. knowing Him through living.

man, i hope none of my Christian friends ever read this. or i'll be in deep shit. and in for lots more brainwashing.

I think I've been quite blessed so far actually. He must really love me to give me such a life. as much as i dwell in self-pity sometimes, I do realise that my life is one of the best. I get to be in such a great primary school which i loved, in a great united class (which is united enough in driving away a teacher once XP), in having great friends and memories all the way back from primary school (like shan and sammie). I'm lucky enough to get into RG though i don't work hard enough, thus get to experience the sour parts of life such as betrayers and backstabs, all the while being supported by friends like shan and sammie. Now, into the RJ chapter, and maturing, in thoughts and emotions. long overdue growing up. and to meet great people, make great friends. learn to open up to new people. not on pretense, but really open up. and throwing reality into my face.

I'm like really really blessed.

Labels: thoughts

Friday, April 06, 2007

i really shouldn't go to the blog anymore. every time i visit, i get hurt. but yet i can't stop. it feels as though it's the last connection i have with him already.

last connection...coz any other way makes things worse. i hope i never ever have to see him in school anymore. much less talk. ok, maybe not never. at least till i get this whole feelings thing over and done with.

shucks. my heart aches like hell now. figuratively and literally.

it's even worse that he tried to show concern. coz it hurts even more then. esp when he uses the blog. and not a more private method. like sms. but i guess if he did sms, i'll probably backtrack all the progress i've made so far. the progress i've made in walking away.

i shall plonk myself into work. and forget the hell of this. i think i'm reacting too much.

i shall be happy. that's like my ultimate aim nowadays.

Labels: thoughts

bored.com

Okay. i was bored. and didn't feel like studying just yet. so i went to bored.com. and took a death forecast test.

i'm supposed to die at the age of 87.
http://bored.com/deathforecast/result.php?record=1353329.

i think i'll continue exploring the site lah.

Labels: random

Birthday Study

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

this joke really appealed to me. since i love birthdays so much. haha.

anywayz, i really really wanted to study the whole day today. but i woke up at 11am today, and started sleeping right after lunch. Didn't manage to wake up at 2pm in the end. ended up waking up 5mins ago. hmm. so i slept through the day. literally.

am i really that tired?

oh wellz, nevermind. i'll start mugging tonight. doubt that i'll be able to fall asleep tonight after all that sleeping anyway. haha.

and i think i'm missing school. haha.

oh, and like everyone's been saying it! have a blessed friday! hmm...maybe i'm a bit too late on this. haha. oh, and to clarify things, i'm NOT christian. yesh, thoughts and beliefs may overlap in a (very) few aspects, but i am not. so stop trying to brainwash me. this clarification is especially targeted at that particular someone. you know who you are lah. =P

Labels: holidays

randomness

I think loving life has one disadvantage to it. Time goes by faster.

I used to complain it goes to slowly. hmm...But now, I'm busier. Homework, film soc stuff, british council, guitar lessons. and i guess also coz i enjoy school life more now. haha.

oh, btw, i successfully resisted leadership today. hwahahahaha.

Stayed back in school with jiangning to wait for royce's chorale rehearsal to end. then we went to eat. or rather, i watched jiangning and royce eat. then we went home.

i think jiangning and royce are the 2nd and 3rd persons i've met who i like to spend time with, even if there's no conversation going on. even if there's no interaction. the mere presence counts already. maybe no one knew who the 1st person was. but all i can say is that, i can no longer go back to those time with that 1st person and i don't even wanna talk about it anymore.

i think i pissed some people of in school. not one, not two, i think three. but i've decided not to think so much about it lah.

and eug was 'brutally frank' with me today. which i really really appreciated it. Eugene, if you're reading this, thx lah. i was getting worried. haha. XP

got curious about impressions. vaguely remembered discussing the effects first impressions make, and i guess i went back to that topic again. kinda asked random people random questions. i think some of them got weirded out. haha.

ahh..and i think eug must have psychic powers. hmm...

I RESOLVE to stay crushless for 6 mths or more.

Labels: school

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

happy

actually, i have nothing new to blog about. and it's not like i'm really free either. coz i have tons and tons of work to do.

but my mood's been picking up throughout the day. and right now, it actually went all the way up to happy. i'm happy now! haha. and i donno why.

actually, i know one reason to why i am happy. but i don't think that is the only reason. not even the main reason. coz it's quite unlikely for such a small thing to be the sole cause to my happiness. right?

fine. i don't make sense. haha.

i think relief is synonymous with happiness. to a certain extent. =)

i love life

I think i can finally sleep tonight! hurray! seriously, i think i'm handling my emotions better now. waaaaayyy better, as compared to months ago..

I really wanted to do work in school today. But ended up sleeping two thirds of my time after school. haiz. but ms poh was really nice though...she allowed me to sleep in tutorial! haha. i must have looked horrible. so yea, by right i should arrange a makeup tutorial with her...but i think she pitied me and told me that if i hand in a write-up on what i understand of the topic we discussed today, i might just be able to skip the tutorial.

i think i'm starting to love ms poh. haha.
that still doesn't make me love china studies though.

Anywayz, i did something insane today. i still can't believe i did it. omg. but somehow i still feel relieved. i'm siao.

Jazz concert tickets started selling today!!!! but i have no money to buy. =( nvm, i'll buy tomorrow! hopefully my sis will return me my 15 bucks...and that jonathan will return me my 6.20. man, i'll be real broke this month. i book myself down for too many concerts le. but nvm, i love concerts! so i'm not complaining. haha.

i wanna blog about how funny jiangning is today. but knowing how the school sometimes visit blogs, i shan't. in case i get her into trouble. lol.

3 resolutions for studying purposes

1. Get a B grade for my Econs Common test
2. Improve my essay writing and try (keyword= TRY) get a C grade for GP.
3. Get up to date and finish all my china studies notes by end of this week.

Pondered a bit on my daily usage of words and sentences and found that i used the phrase "nevermind" too often le. does that make people feel uncomfortable sometimes? or let people misunderstood that i was unhappy, or even a bit frustrated with them? hmm...i shall reduce usage of "nevermind". haha. is this influence from weizhong arh? the reflection over how i express things. haha.

Anyway, royce talked a bit about his red cross days and it reminded me of my library days. haiz. now i feel damn guilty once again. like i've let down my seniors terribly. i really fell way below expectations....even my own expectations. even though nobody ever mentioned it, i bet at least some of them were disappointed with me. i guess that's partially the reason why i was so determined not to join library again. i'm kinda ashamed of myself lah, i guess. i really should just avoid leadership positions.... not gonna repeat the same mistake again. might as well let the more deserving ones go ahead. i will resist.

my gosh, that last line sounds like something from a hero flick. i will resist. haha.

Labels: school

THE PRINCESS

name; melissa chan meiyi
age; 18
bdae; 210490
location; singapore

hates; hypocrites, betrayers and traitors
loves;

more;
random;
Friends, my brother and sisters, and my computer.
I take birthdays very seriously.
I love roses.
I love the late night.
I love manga and anime.
I love my cats, (schro)dinger and newton.
I love concerts.

Me @ Twitter

THE KINGDOM

My DeviantART
My Livejournal (more private entries than public though, and much abandoned as of now.)

My Prayer Log (private)
bleach portal
08S05B class blog!
rjc film society blog!
promediaus (sean's team)
sj tribe
youthnet online
youthnet admin

abtzy
caiqiang
candy
chaoyang
chuntsen
eugene
germ
gekmin
hanyu
ian
janice
jasmine yam
jawed
jawed's tumblr
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lijie
liyi
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prila
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shan
shuyi
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stacy
suen
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waihan
wang
wangting
weihao
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woonie
xiu
yewei
yiding
yining
zijian
zijian(ex-blog)
zhuoyi

The Stars They Say Official Website

DISCLAIMER: these are linked here so that there's no need for my minute brain to remember so many urls. lol

THE MEMORY

recent;
I really wish I can purge myself from this world a...
I don't know what I'm doing. And why my existence ...
I'm more than a lil bit tired of living. But I'm s...
Today was perfect. We were both happy. So why am I...
If I keep my distance. If I really gain enough dis...
It's all too late. In all probability, too late. I...
If I'm not here in this world, he won't be having ...
or maybe i just won't update. not sure if i'll giv...
Domain (again)
sticking with the low quality


past;
April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 November 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 August 2011 September 2011

labels;
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design
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life
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weekend

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also to iPod
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