Saturday, March 31, 2007

just thought that i'll share this. lol.

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Labels: random

shit. okay. fine. i admit it. i'm still not over it. i'm just denying it myself. okay. and it gets even more complicated becoz while i'm not over it, two more components just had to come into the picture. double shit. i give up on trying elimination. i'll just work on controlling it at the manageable level. but i guess i don't have to worry, coz the period of denying kinda cooled me down so yea, it's manageable right now. i should be able to continue like this bah. haha. bet nobody can understand what i am talking about once again. i really should keep a diary instead. haha.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Extreme emotions

Note; to those who i bothered abt an hour ago, i'm feeling better le. i guess i was on the verge of losing control just now. so yea, it's okay now. sorry for worrying/bothering you guys.

Anywayz, i curbed my impulse on closing this blog once again. i'm not seeking attention through blogging...i think. since i know that most people don't read my blog anyway, it can't be counted as seeking attention right? it's more like...giving people who wants to know more about me an avenue to know me, and also feeding my own desire of someday finding someone who actually completely understands me (which is quite impossible in reality, but i still hope).

So yes, luckily i didn't blog earlier...or else I would have "false-closed" my blog again.

Anywayz, I tried small talk with my mum today! something i haven't done for some time. I guess camp gave me some time-out to think. think through what i was thinking before camp, in a detached environment. then after camp, jiangning helped a bit. which was y i felt so bad just now, but it was necessary for me to realise stuff. and acquire knowledge to change. so yea, i think my life might just improve. now i feel quite good. I was impulsive, but now i've calmed down. i shall just learn to take life easy. haha.

blogging shall be my vanity and self centered tool. outside blogging...aka in life, i shall aim to turn less self centered. that sounds logical??

_______________________________________________

Class Camp
High elements. I did absailing. that's a wow. but then i chickened out last minute at flying fox. that's a non-wow. that's failure and pathetic actually. this might be actually be my last chance at flying fox and i gave it a pass. there will most probably be no chances for me to try next yr...and there are no camps usually in universities. which involves flying fox. so yea. i'm stuck. idiot, idiot, idiot. i rather be hydrophobic then hypsophobic/aeroacrophobic (found these terms http://www.phobialist.com/). okay, maybe not. i love water too much. change that to Cleisiophobia. haha. check out the meanings yourselves.

and i think i feel better in class now le. haha. i guess camp does help. in a not so obvious way. bleh.

Labels: school, thoughts

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

i feel like my friends are leaving me once again. which is inevitable i guess. history just keeps repeating itself. i think i'm giving up on the idea of having friends. "friend" friends. maybe it's just fate. i'll just be alone all my life. it's all fated. it's like i've been desperately trying all my life...and i guess i try too hard. shan and sammie are being nice to be friends with me. yes shan, you are being nice. don't try to convince me otherwise...i think i've come to realise just what kind of person i am already. and so is eug..sherry..royce...and especially jiangning. they are all being nice. and niceness will just run out someday. and i'll be left alone, again. i guess i should have gotten used to this by now already. my entire life is screwed up. what's the point of it really? What's the point of trying anymore...of trying to live it. i really really really feel like giving up. i'mm just so tired..i don even wanna waste energy on trying to be optimistic anymore. i don care anymore. seriously. i don't care anymore.

stupid fingers of mine. always type irrelevant stuff. haix.

anywayz, i think i am improving. with the exception of occasional stupid irrelevant stuff i type with my fingers on msn or sms, i'm improving. so yea...yay!

CLASS CAMP TOMORROW! just when i'm feeling so tired. lol.

i guess what i'm really craving for right now is to become someone's good friend. be able to help someone with his/her problems and have that maturity to be constructive. and not simply being a burden to everyone. i want to learn how to be a good friend. i used to be one..i think. what happened along the way? maybe i'll sort everything out during the camp. during the 2 days when i don't really have anyone in particular to rely on. but that would mean i'll have to try hard not to rely on someone new again...in class. i can do it. i think.

but actually, what happened to make me the way i am now? me - burden to society, community. good that i have class camp tomorrow. give all my friends a break. but jiangning pointed out something i knew all along. i treat them as my good friends, close friends even. but they don't. coz i'm not mature enough. i am not at their level.

i need more self control. and perseverence in changing myself. maybe i should go on hiatus and break away from this vanity writing? nah...i'll just burst if i don't write. seriously, i hate myself. so i m gonna change. yep. this blog is crap enough..i need to change. i can't be a weakling all my life.

blogging is just vanity writing. so i am vain.

anywayz, i have decided that i want to grow up. i know how immature i am. so i shall grow up. but i don't have much faith in myself. 17 years is quite a number of years, and i've only grown a total of....about 13 or 14 years? That's 3-4 years to catch up on within this one year of JC1. i shall try to do it anyway.

I think this year's a year of self-improvement for me. yep.

Labels: thoughts

ARGH!!!! I REALISED I FORGOT WEISHAN, MELISSA LAW, AND AMANDA! most probably i forgot a lot of other people too. SORRY!!! X( LET'S ALL VOTE FOR THESE NICE PEOPLE! YAY! okie. not really helping. haix. i'm such a small person on this very big earth.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

oh...almost forgot about this. i thought ian and sean's campaign's like damn cool. so.....not imposing. and natural. haha. and the photos are funny. the people who are taking them down are idiots. lol. so yea....vote for them? =)))

SO! HERE'S PUBLICITY. i donno, i feel like i should at least publicise for friends somewhere. no matter that here's not really a good place, since it's not really like xiaxue's blog. XP nevertheless....

let's all vote for.......YEWEI, MEL HO, OH JUNWEI, IAN NG, LINXI, JANICE...i'm telling their names not just coz i know them, they are my friends, blah blah, but also because i know that they'll do their jobs in council. not just joining for their CVs. they have at least that ounce of passion/enthusiasm in them.

oh, speaking of which, there was this second intaker who went around during our pe block to campaign. I guess second intakers got to spend much more effort in their campaigning...they don't know many people afterall. And he came across as rather sincere to me, so i guess i shall mention his name. haha. Xiaohan. anyone knows him??? maybe can tell me more about him, coz i'm kinda thinking of voting him in...and if he's not worth voting....well, i don't know lah. so if anyone knows him and thinks i should not vote for him....come stop me before it's too late. haha. my vote double weightage leh! house votes mah...haha.

Labels: school

I realised that I get the motivation to get home early (or to get home at all) under two circumstances. most of the time.

1, I get someone to go home with.
2, I'm really dead tired. drop dead tired.

and today was case number two. i came home. and fell asleep. till now. that's three hours and i'm still dead tired. X(

i hate being a girl. okie, that's random.

anywayz, how do you know when a feeling ends? Like....Do you actually know when your feelings die out? Or do you have to wait till the start of something new before you know it? Is it that precise? Do you even know, really, when something new starts????

That's why I'm amateur. compared to sammie that is. aiyo...

And shan, stop laughing.

OKIE. ENOUGH OF RANDOMNESS! =)))

news to my resolutions.....I have not emoed for the past two days! that's monday and tuesday! YAY!~ but then, maybe it's coz i've been too busy to emo. haha. guess sammie was partially right. busy schedules don't stop you from thinking, but they stop you from dwelling and emo-ing. =P

shit. for your info, i'm typing this at snail's speed now. coz my brain isn't working. oh well, i'll go shower and hopefully it perks up. haix. i still got work to do lehx...

randomness, i think i shall switch from "zzzz" to "xxxx". how does "nitex" sounds? X)

i really really really love my home much better with grandma around. i hope she never ever goes back.

Labels: life

Monday, March 26, 2007

confessions.

I was kinda lonely in school today. haha. guess i was pms-ing? but now i'm better already.

Kinda threw a minor tantrum at eug today thou. really really really sorry.

and so i got thinking. not in the sad, emo way. just thinking. maybe to a certain extent my sis is right. i don really deserve all that i have now. i know for sure that my extent of studying won have given me a place in rj if i had to go through o lvls. not that i would have chosen rj...i think i might have gone to ngee ann poly. but anywayz, i'm glad to be in rj, and if i had taken o lvls, i might not be here.
and that i guess i don really deserve the friends i have right now. and that maybe at times i forget and took them for granted. i guess i'm selfish at times...just unloading my problems onto them, and forgetting that they too have their own problems. i forget to think of what they are feeling. i do not think before i bother them, that maybe they are busy, or they may feel irritated by having to handle me all the time.
my friends are too nice. if there's such a thing as past life, then i must have been a saint in the past to be able to have such great friends in my current life.
i think i shall strive to be nicer. and less ego-centric. *did i spell that correctly?*

Anywayz! Grandma cooked "chai cha" today! yay!!!! I love it when grandma cooks hometown dishes! haha...i guess the family feels more warm to me now since grandma's back. i think i might go home earlier these days. hee..=)))
I LOVE CHAI CHA! HAHA
everyone should try it...maybe i should invite everyone back home just for a chai cha feast! lol.

and i think i m fickle minded. hmm. oh n i've sorted out what i'm thinking and my state of mind! so yay! i'm at peace again. i know what i am going to do now..haha. this zen thingie is really getting useful. lol.

and yay! film soc tomorrow! haha. =)))

i gave out smilie faces today...who haven get claim from me!!! =P

Labels: life, school, thoughts

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

_________________________________________________________

man, i've posted so much crap today. haha.

Anywayz, didn't go to the esplanade in the end. =( coz mum made me stay home. boohoo.
i guess i still listen to my mum quite a bit after all.

oh, and i just learnt from someone in the family that i just 'waste resources and not contribute to the family'. hmm.
nah...i won get upset over that.

somehow i get the feeling that i m gonna screw up my life really badly...really soon too.

Labels: random

Redid the test and got roughly the same result again. I got 50/50 for introverted or extroverted though. and the site says that they will just randomly assign me one. So this time i got extroverted again! last time i got extroverted too. Maybe it's fate. Maybe I'm like 50.5555556% extroverted. lol.

So, being boliao as i am. i went to look up things on ENFP. and found this.

NFPs generally have the following traits:

* Project-oriented
* Bright and capable
* Warmly, genuinely interested in people; great people skills
* Extremely intuitive and perceptive about people
* Able to relate to people on their own level
* Service-oriented; likely to put the needs of others above their own
* Future-oriented
* Dislike performing routine tasks
* Need approval and appreciation from others
* Cooperative and friendly
* Creative and energetic
* Well-developed verbal and written communication skills
* Natural leaders, but do not like to control people
* Resist being controlled by others
* Can work logically and rationally - use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it
* Usually able to grasp difficult concepts and theories

ENFPs are lucky in that they're good a quite a lot of different things. An ENFP can generally achieve a good degree of success at anything which has interested them. However, ENFPs get bored rather easily and are not naturally good at following things through to completion. Accordingly, they should avoid jobs which require performing a lot of detailed, routine-oriented tasks. They will do best in professions which allow them to creatively generate new ideas and deal closely with people. They will not be happy in positions which are confining and regimented.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an ENFP. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the ENFP:

* Consultant
* Psychologist
* Entrepreneur
* Actor
* Teacher
* Counselor
* Politician / Diplomat
* Writer / Journalist
* Television Reporter
* Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst, or Computer Specialist
* Scientist
* Engineer

and then just in case i'm 50.5555556% introverted..

INFPs generally have the following traits:

* Strong value systems
* Warmly interested in people
* Service-oriented, usually putting the needs of others above their own
* Loyal and devoted to people and causes
* Future-oriented
* Growth-oriented; always want to be growing in a positive direction
* Creative and inspirational
* Flexible and laid-back, unless a ruling principle is violated
* Sensitive and complex
* Dislike dealing with details and routine work
* Original and individualistic - "out of the mainstream"
* Excellent written communication skills
* Prefer to work alone, and may have problems working on teams
* Value deep and authentic relationships
* Want to be seen and appreciated for who they are

The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career which is more than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives is in accordance with their strongly-felt value systems, and is moving them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction. They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives. The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily lives in accordance with their values, and which work towards the greater good of humanity. It's worth mentioning that nearly all of the truly great writers in the world have been INFPs.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an INFP. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the INFP:

* Writers
* Counselors / Social Workers
* Teachers / Professors
* Psychologists
* Psychiatrists
* Musicians
* Clergy / Religious Workers

nah...i think i'll stick with being extroverted. haha.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

anywayz, i woke up this morning feeling sweetened inside. lol. i think my emotions are going haywire again. XP but i guess this feels much better then being sulky and sad. haha.
but somehow, i find myself trying to control this sweetened feeling. hmm...maybe i'm paranoid afterall. the previous trauma left me sweetened at first too...i guess i don't wanna repeat the same thing all over again huh? So should I control it? Or should I take the risk?

sammie says i take things too seriously. hmm..i think so too. i think i take myself too seriously in the first place. i mean, i think so much for what? this only involves me and me alone...not anyone else. why am i thinking so much?

crap. nobody understands what i am talking about. i'll just re-read this post someday the way you re-read a diary and remember. haha. remember what i was talking about and then smile at my own foolishness.

Labels: quiz

Labels: quiz

Saturday, March 24, 2007

I GOT MY COM BACK! WOOT!

I think the title explains it all. haha. man, i think i'm happier. i have like 1 and 1/4 soul with me right now. X)

Anywayz, today i actually did some work! so proud of myself. not as much as i hope to have done, but still a significant amount. GOOD WORK MEIYI! yay!!!!

Went to esplanade library for the first time today! =))) actually wanted to borrow some books on film one, but i stupidly chose all the reference books. boohoo....i am so dumb. HAHA.

ESPLANADE LIBRARY IS NICE. nice ambience i mean. I OFFICIALLY DECLARE IT AS ONE OF MY FAVORITE LIBRARIES. no....actually it is my favorite library now. woodlands library isn't exactly nice. okie...I OFFICIALLY DECLARE IT AS MY FAVOURITE LIBRARY! YAY!!!!

man, i'm high today. hee...

Royce is funny! he borrowed his book and just left it on the blue pad. luckily he realised just before we get out of the library. and retrieved the book before the librarian had a go putting the book back on its shelf. haha.

OH MAN. SHIT. NOW I MISS BEING A LIBRARIAN. irritating pple by putting the stuff they want back. HAHA.

went HMV for a very very very short time. like the shortest time i've ever stayed in HMV. I WANNA BUY SNOW PATROL'S CD TOO! X( it's like....$11.95! so cheap!!! just because it's singapore edition. haha..opps. now that i announced this piece of news, everyone will buy till it's out of stock! NOOOOOOOOOO~

oh man, i'm going insane. muahahahahahahahaha.

I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM. I LOVE MY COM.

and i love esplanade. it's just never boring. if only it's nearer to woodlands. i would be going there Everyday.

might be going there again tomorrow. hsinghai co performing for free tmr i think. and bingliang's playing. so yea...maybe go see him bah. haha. anybody interested in going with me? 3pm! X)

Labels: weekend

Friday, March 23, 2007

P.S>> Publicising zei's blog. It's actually very amusing to read. HAHA.
(from the sch comp again)

(from a school computer)

I'm suffering from lack of computer. seriously. and that half of my soul missing, confiscated along with the computer, is taking its own sweet time to regenerate. X(

Yesterday, I became happy. I set a dateline to get over everything I'm experiencing now by Thursday. But then, I cheered up. Mysteriously. Maybe it's coz I like the feeling of having friends. But I never cheered up like that before. I've been out with friends, very close friends in fact, stoning and doing everything I did yesterday night. But, I never cheered up like that before.

Life is mysterious.

Anyway, as I thought it would be, the cheer lasted till today. Maybe I don't really feel 'cheerful' right now. But at least, I feel at peace. But that maybe because I didn't see that someone today at all in school. Or maybe I really will succeed, even before Thursday.

It makes sense to say that I fell in love with the feeling of love. Since when I was young, I felt that I wasn't being loved enough. Right now, I'm not so sure if I still feel that way. But that's because I have not thought about it for such a long time.

Straying away from my current train of thoughts. There is a friend. A friend I've only made in JC, and I felt close to. But recently if feels like we are drifting. Not in the deliberate way, but naturally. Why??
Maybe it's because I'm getting to know too many people. History tends to repeat itself. This has happened so many times that I've lost count. Just that the last time this happened felt like ages ago. or maybe it's been ages ago since I felt like I've made a true 'friend' friend.

I feel at peace. ZEN. or maybe it's just numbness. Maybe after a while, the numbness will start to hurt, like a hand soaked in ice water. I hope the numbness stays forever then.

I don't wanna zen out in JC. I wanted it to be the two years that I actually lived. I wanna experience it in happiness. Happeningz. is that too much to ask for?

And I realised something else last night. I'm pretentious, or what jiang ning calls 'artificial', to a certain extent. But I think everyone's pretentious to a certain extent. Whether because they wanna please someone, or whether they wanna convince themselves of who they are. It's part and parcel of creating an identity? A stage you must go through constantly?
So I shan't worry anymore. Sammie always tells me to worry less. I should quit worrying so much.

I must start doing work. I'll do work, and survive, and be at peace with my heart. And one day, nothing will affect me. Or at least not affect me to such a great extent, like it is affecting me now.

Labels: thoughts

Monday, March 19, 2007

OKay...here's some more thoughts..

(oh btw, this entry is posted on my sister's com, WITH my sister's permission. I'm surprised she actually gave me permission! lol.)

Today, I acted on my new strategy. And I didn't think. Until now anyway. But I'm still not thinking about the 'bad' stuff..just about this strategy. And I started worrying what it might do to me. I mean, what if it would desensitise me. After all, I do care. I'm just forcing myself not to care so much. but then, I guess I'm just worrying too much again.

And I listed out the stuff...the common likes and favorites. And realised that if I am gonna give up all of them, I'll die. Can you imagine?? Giving up your favorite author, your passion in manga, stuff like food that you like, sauces....Nope. There's no way I'm giving up all that. So I shall just learn to manage. And not suffer. Jodie says there's no way to fall out of love just like that. But crushing's not the same as love, so I'm still gonna try.

Falling in and out of love. Maybe the term 'love' isn't really used appropriately here..you don't 'fall' in love. a fall's too sudden. you kinda 'grown' into love.

AND i realised that some people still hates me. i'm not talking about jiang ning. ok, maybe not hate. dislike. or just don really like. they are just tolerating me out of necessity. ok, maybe not necessity.....more like convenience. I'm starting to accept that fact too.

I think I'm starting to get more control on my life now. finally. now all's left to do is to end that stupid, lame and pathetic suffering. man, i sound bitter. haha...maybe it's coz I'm too tired after the 2.4km run.

SO.....A FORMAL LIST OF 2007 RESOLUTIONS. reserve the right to add items onto the list. but not the right to remove any of the items. XP

1. Reduce emo-ing to at most 30% of the time. And reduce extent of emo-ing.\
2. Rely less on friends. Become more independent.
3. More will power. And actually start doing things I should have started years ago. Not gonna elaborate what are those stuff.
4. Start studying. There's A levels. And I don't wanna risk letting my mum use my grades as an excuse to stop my guitar lessons. XS
5. Less computer. (*heart is shattering...ouch*) No choice, with GP tuition and guitar lessons added onto the list. I really should spend less time on computer. Not to mentioned my com just got confiscated. So when I get it back, definitely less computer.
6. NAPFA - SILVER

AND ULTIMATE TASKS must do IN 2007 (again, right to add items, but not to remove any.)

1. STUDY
2. LEARN THEORY. LEARN GUITAR. AND ZHONG RUAN. AND TRY TO LEARN KEYBOARD.....TRY.
3. NEW LAYOUT. seriously. and cut away crap in the sidebar.
4. PORTFOLIO. i've been procrastinating on this for years..
5. TRAIN FOR NAPFA. 2.4km run, shuttle-run, SBJ. how do u train for shuttle anw...
6. PLAY BASKETBALL. coz i'm so lousy that i can't stand it.
7. PAINT A MURAL IN MY ROOM. year-end lah.
8. LEARN JAP. i forgot like more than half of what i knew lah. X(

P.S. My basketball's lost!!! =( can't find it anywhere...Dad says that he'll buy one in malaysia, but i bet it's one of the really cheapo cannot bounce well kind. but then i can't really complain lah. i'm not pro anywayz, and i don play often. so no need such a good ball lah. lol.

P.P.S seriously, sincerely, thx royce. i think u helped a lot.

Labels: thoughts

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I've just thought of a new strategy. Instead of trying so hard to get out of the "vicious cycle", i should just try and stop thinking about being in a "vicious cycle" in the first place. Then the "vicious cycle" will cease to exist! That solves everything!

Then that would also mean that I no longer have to deliberately not remember that someone too.
And that would also mean I no longer have to be detached from my family, instead just go with the flow and see where it goes. If I'm detached, i'm detached. If i am not, i am not.
That would make life so much easier and less tiring.

haha.

oh, and this is another entry typed on my sister's com behind my sister's back. haha.

Labels: thoughts

Saturday, March 17, 2007

sneak entry on my sister's com behind my sister's back.

Went to Kallang today!!! After going to Lavender to do "stuff". HAIZ. anywayz, i wanted to catch skang and ian in action. BUT i completely missed the softball match, and i missed skang's squash match by minutes. hmph. stupid of me not to have asked about the timing of the softball match. oh wellz..i doubt we're allowed to watch anywayz. so, i ended up catching james' squash match instead. my senior class james, not the other ahem james. LOL. nvm, more than half of you won understand me anywayz.

so yep. was another sian sian day.

MET SHIRIN TODAY IN WOODLANDS! pple, shirin moved back to woodlands! back to live with her mom. I didn't really dare to ask much, but she's back....and she looked great! hee...so as of now, i have her latest mobile phone number. Come ask me if you want it!! XP before she changes it again. lol.
OH, and then i crashed shan and 'what's-that-sec2-guy's-name-again'. yea, their german tuition. haha. funny, i like that junior...yet i keep forgeting his name. haha. but i got chased away. coz shan says junior is too easily distracted. hmm...maybe i'll go crash again nxt week! that will be three weeks in a row! lol =P

man, the touch of the keyboard feels great. XP

oh, update. my mum actually agreed to the guitar lessons. now i just have to work on her not changing her mind before we actually sign me up for them. sigh.

anywayz, while i was in the library. i realised that many things i encounter in my daily life reminds me of somebody in my life. like salted popcorn now reminds me of eug. haha.
anywayz, anywayz, so, today i was trying to get a book from the library. and almost by instinct, i went for my favorite author. and realised that my favourite author reminds me of someone that i don't want to remember. that's awful. sammie suggests that i wean off the author for a while. haiz..y m i so pathetic? i'm letting it affect me so badly. =(

oh wellz, better log off before my sis gets back! ciao =))

Labels: holidays, weekend

Friday, March 16, 2007

UPDATE

My com got confisticated. I'll be away from internet infinitely. My sister's giving me limited time to use her com. so yea. man, my com. Half of my soul's been taken. X(

and other than one minor obstacle which almost drew me back in, i'm still out of the vicious cycle, as far as i know of. so yep. don worry...i'm fine. =)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

i think i'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms. i came back earlier from bowling than the others, to escape company. me, not wanting company. i shock even myself.

i hope i get better tomorrow. i'm supposed to play bball tmr.

ANOTHER SIAN DAY TODAY. haiz...

Anyway, out of desperation, I got programmes. haha. But not the planned kinda programmes. It's the nothing to do kinda programme. Gonna go bowling later, and then hopefully find pple to play bball. HAIZ.

and i have a declaration to make. I LOVE SHERRY! haha..i'm so random.

i think i love a lot of people. But when love flows too freely, it becomes meaningless..hmm. I should dam up my love pool man. haha.

but when i say i love someone, i really do mean it. i don't use the word love without thinking.

oh, and i FINALLY found people to go discovery centre with. after months of searching, i finally found...SHERRY! still in the process of pestering eug into agreeing to go. haha. but when will we go? hmm...
oh, whoever else wanna go can still sign up! XP
maybe should make it during march hols...donno how busy we'll become now that the second intake's over. X(

i can't thank you guys enough for all the love and concern you've showered me. It's gonna take some getting used to.

Labels: holidays

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

One night really can make a lot of difference. I really shouldn't be left alone at night. Coz then I think too much, and realize too much. Realize how pathetic I am, how stupid and slow. Realize how I've been easily manipulated. How foolish. I keep going on in circles, so there's no end in sight to this endless torture. It's time to make a break, for better or for worse I don't know yet. But I've taken the risk, and I don't even want to hope.
The most cruel thing one could do is to give hope one moment and crush it the next. Repeatedly.

Never before have I felt so foolish.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

idiotic

Ok. I'm happy. Happier than I've been for the past few days anyway. By the way, I just realised that the reason why I survived till now is that I get to know people who are great counselors. and listeners. yep. today i feel less burdened...less burdened by what i donno, but just less burdened. maybe coz royce talked some sense into me. haha. I SHALL BE OPTIMISTIC. hmm..how am i gonna do that..i donno.

ANYWAYZ...Went to hand up the hardcopy of my CSE essay to the staffroom today. And collected my altered skirts. And TRIED to service my mp3. the Mp3 player's mine, because my sister decided that since she got a new walkman phone, she don't need her mp3 anymore and kinda sold it to me. So yeah, it's mine. Though it's all scratched. Oh wellz, my sis is the same kind of person as me. Rough with her stuff. But she's rougher. Shit, I'm rambling again.

Oh, and I'm idiotically happy right now for no reason. Maybe because my holidays schedule isn't that empty anymore. It's filled with a couple of friends...and I am idiotically happy. HAHA. nevermind, no one will ever understand why i am idiotically happy, coz I am not exactly telling people properly. haha..

sometimes i think being happy and not being able to share that excitement with everyone is as torturous as being sad and bottling up. but then that's only sometimes. I still prefer to be happy.

oh, and i met jeanett at bishan. She kindly pei-ed me till 6.30pm. coz i had nothing to do..haha. And she taught me how to spell her name! X) it's J-E-A-N-E-T-T. hahahaha.

i know i crap. oh well...and i m finally to date on bleach episodes! all 118 episodes of them! I LOVE BLEACH. managed to watch a bit of Grey's today. Decided that I shall start on Desperate Housewives and FRIENDS today...but haven actually started. haha.

OH! AND THE MOST EXCITING NEWS OF ALL! I THINK I MAY HAVE PERSUADED MY MUM TO LET ME LEARN GUITAR! haha...but knowing my mum, she might change her mind soon again. Better go register before she changes her mind. haha. haiz...why is it always so difficult for me to sign up for classes outside?? oh wellz...YAY! maybe my guitar will stop gathering dust at long last. haha.

P.S. UPDATE: I've memorised seven out of the 13 major scales elena and eug drew for me! yay! i'm so proud of myself. haha..XP

Labels: holidays, random

Monday, March 12, 2007

March Hols

Today is a sian sian day.
Today's a bad day.
It was leeching day.

I wanted to ask Sammie out to the library today. But then, Ben asked her out first. So I asked Ben whether I could leech along, and he agreed! YAY!

But that's the end of his niceness. Okay lah...of all fairness, he's nice. But he's still a jerk. Coz he made Sammie pissed. Hmph. I hate it when Sammie's so pissed. March hols is already so important to me. I wanna enjoy the only break I am gonna have for a while lah. What did he do to make Sammie so pissed...hmm...Firstly, he asked her to meet up, then he comes late, and then he comes for 30mins and says he needs to get home?!?! urgh. so yea, he's a jerk. as most guys are. yep. and I got pissed. yea, coz sammie was pissed. so yea. i hate it when pple get pissed at each other on an outing. so yea.

but i forgive ben now. coz he bought me a carrot cake and bought sammie a breaded squid from old chang kee! =))) man...I'm so easily bribed. XS lol.

haiz...today's kinda a fruitless day. I NEED A LIFE. man, people! ASK ME OUT LAH! aiyo. my march hols schedule is like so empty...emptiest in the 4 years! Never before has it been this empty. Not march hols...maybe june hols still more acceptable...but NOT march hols. HAIZ...i am so unloved and unwanted. X(

okay lah. shan't say anymore. or else sound like i am begging for people to ask me out during hols like that. haha. I NEED PROGRAMMES! haha. which don't require much money though. coz i am penniless for the hols X( long story.

Labels: life, rant

3.40am

I wake up at 3.40am feeling like I can't fall asleep again. I have to do something and get tired then go back to sleep. I come to my laptop which is already on. Everyone's either offline or asleep. Hmm...I'm stumped. There's nothing to do. There is the entire anime of Mahou Sensei Negima on my com..But then at 3.40am, I don't feel like starting a new anime. This feels slightly...like isolation. unreal. Now I know march hols is really here.

i really should just go back to bed and try to fall asleep again.

Labels: life, random

Sunday, March 11, 2007

test.

Labels: random

So They Moo mp3 link

I just realized the yousendit link of the mp3 has expired! (My godsis couldn't download it.) So...I've uploaded it onto my own server and you can now download it from my server! hahaha...

p.s. Eug and Royce, you can use the link for distribution if you want. I have more bandwidth than I can ever use. X)

-----------------------------------------------
SO THEY MOO - THE STARS THE STARS THEY SAY mp3
DOWNLOAD: http://www.silentcelle.net/TSTSTS/So%20They%20Moo.mp3

CO camp + lots of stuff

Lots of things happened during the past two days, but I shall not talk about them. Oh, and those who noticed I deleted a post..I know, I always say that I don't delete posts..but, this is an exception okay?

CO Camp.
It was great. Although for me personally, it didn't really started out well since I was in a real bad mood. But I told myself to forget what happened and just try to enjoy the camp. Guessed it worked partially. There was the pressure to be enthu too...or else I'll be dragging my group down with me. And I don't like to tuo lei pple. So, it was fun. It helps too, that I know almost my whole group beforehand already. There was Jason, XiWen, Weizhong, Wanyan, Xinhui, Yifang, HongBin and Yifei. Xiwen and hongbin only came for the first night, and Yifei only joined us the 2nd day. And I knew everyone except for hongbin and yifei. which is not a lot of pple to remember and get to know..haha. There was supposed to be an ice breaking session, but since we all kinda know each other already, it wasn't really necessary and we ended up playing "Zhong Ji Mi Ma". The loser will do a forfeit. Xi Wen did two forfeits, and Jason did two. The rest of us were all cleared. lol.
Okay, I know I don't sound like I enjoyed it a lot. But I did enjoy it lah. Just that I'm still tired today. We were like the most enthu group though, running to every station. And the next day at sentosa, we made the nicest erhu out of construction paper, straws and icecream sticks!

I'm really dead tired. The rest of S05B are currently running around in sentosa on the senior-junior class outing. Except for me. X( CO camp and last night's band concert meant that I was busy for two whole days, surviving on 3 hours of sleep. not forgetting that my group was the "running" group. lol. I suffered from hypoglycemia twice in three days lah. (Weizhong taught me the word. It meant low blood sugar btw.) The first time in the morning before CO camp and the second this morning. But then, maybe it's not coz of the busy schedule. I'm supposed to watch my diet more closely after the first time round. But then last night I kinda lack appetite coz I was too upset to eat stuff. So I didn't really eat dinner in the end. Guess that's why lah. Haiz..I'm really childish sometimes. X(

When you took so much energy to unscrew a high pressure pipeline, it's just not so easy to screw it back on. You either have to wait for the water to dry up, or you screw it back on with all you've got when you have stored up enough energy. Both methods take time. The third method, and the best of them all, is to use a combination of both. I guess this is what I'm doing now? It's time to fight back my taurus instint and stop being stubborn. Do things in a slow way and be patient. Don't even try understanding what I'm talking about.

Labels: rant, school

Thursday, March 08, 2007

ponning O2. not oxygen.

I LOVE TO EAT FRIES WITH A TONGUE ULCER.
IT'S ORGASMIC.

Hello this is guest.

Guest is blogging.

Guest doesn't know what to say.

I'm breathing in I'm breathing out
So slip inside this pumpkin house
WOahhh
I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like humans doooo.

So guest is gone now.

------------------------

okie, meiyi's back. Guess who was that. hmm....
we are bored.

skipping Orientation 2 now.

--> guest says yay! (that's random)

anywayz, in com lab 7 now. coz we are waiting for photos from the photo scavenger hunt. film soc. to make the orientation two video/photoslideshow. so yep. we are bored. VERY BORED. and LIke Humans Do is actually quite nice lah..

actually i donno what to blog about too. this is like desperation. for things to do.
aiya. i need to go read someone's blog le. coz he just published. so yep. ciao.

this is a random post.

Labels: random

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

School felt unreal today, for some reason. Maybe it's coz I'm already in holiday mood le bah.

Oh, or maybe it's becoz there are just so few lessons today. I kinda zoned out for most parts of the lessons.

OR maybe it's coz i know that some of my friends are missing from school today. Seriously, no words can describe how much i hate JAE. "Parting is such sweet sorrow." My foot. (i mentioned this coz that's how my sis attempted to comfort me. haiz..)

For some reason, I felt really tired this morning. Despite sleeping real early last night. I almost ponned school, if not for my sister who dragged me out of bed. So yup, I missed Chayling's cake cutting session. =( Sorry chayling! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! though i'm not there i love you all the same!
actually, i don't think chayling reads my blog. haha. but i smsed her already lah, so.....my guilt is lessen? ok ok, i crap.

Crashed BB11's og lunch today. Sigh, I'm always crashing eug/sherry/zei and gang's class/og. how evil...i'm an evil crasher~! haha...the aftwards, went back to school and played bball with janet, zei, chester(their ogl) and eug. soon to be followed by pro pple like.....shit. i think i forgot their names. oh wellz..
I really suck at bball. I usually avoid ball games, coz i know i suck, and i feel as though I tuo lei my team every single time.
oh, but i also know that whenever i feel super low (coz i suck) halfway through the game, i get super disillusioned and ended up playing worse. that's my flaw. it's just that i haven't been able to change it just yet. haiz...I should stop being the spoilsport and spoil all the fun pple are having.
i shld like practise my dribbling more. oh wellz..

tomorrow's O2!! too bad i can't be with CH' Novo the whole way...coz of film soc stuff. But can't wait anywayz. XP

TWO more days to CO camp,
THREE more days to band concert,
FIVE more days to march hols,
SIX more days to rg library camp,
ELEVEN more days to mother's day and
TWENTY-TWO more days to class camp.

counting down is fun..=P

Labels: school

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

the late night.

Read Royce's blog just now...it's nice to know that there are still pple fascinated with the feeling of late night, the feeling of (as royce put it) "being somewhere between day and night". Far too few people spend the night awake with me...In fact, I only know Shan does it. But Shan's no longer fascinated and is just doing it out of habit. Unlike me. 50% of the reason why I stay up at night is because of this addiction. The other 50% is because I can't sleep...but maybe subconciously, even my insomnia is because of this addiction?
I already think too much in the day, yet majority of my thinking happens at night. Maybe the late night is very conducive for thinking..

I guess everyone wants someone who they can show their true colors to, without any qualms or whatsoever. Someone who knows you so well, understands your every thought, every emotion. Someone who will never ever ever betray you, or abandon you. It's no longer an issue of whether one is superficial. It's difficult to find that someone not because the people are superficial, but mainly because of the need for people to, consciously or sub-consciously, protect themselves. Why else would you hide your feelings and thoughts away from others?
I hate this "distrustfulness", no matter how little, which exists among people. I'm born to trust. And I think I will continue to trust, as is my nature, until someday I get hurt so bad, that I just wilt away. fade away into the background. maybe even die.


Anywayz, I'll snap out of the mood! as if i don't think too much already. argh. haha...oh, I FAILED ECONS BTW. I haven like failed fail lah, but i am going to fail. so doesn't make a diff when I make that announcement. Was pretty sad over the test at first one...until after gp, my sadness for something else made stuff like test results so unimportant.

Stephanie's not staying in RJ. She's been posted to VJ.

GDM. SERIOUSLY. I hate i hate i hate i hate JAE! it's scary...you see people cry everywhere. why the hell do they make us go through 3 mths of bonding and then threaten to split us up for?? As if the two years of JC isn't short enough. What's the meaning of friendship to government agencies, like the moe? ZERO. urgh. heartless freaks.

and hien oso..

they'd better approve steffie and hien's appeals...or i'll track all those involved in rejecting the appeals and murder them.
ok, maybe not. i am being childish. but still. urgh.

I really love all my friends. This is not a cliche sentence. I really do. I love the opportunity to get to know everyone who I've gotten to know. Even those who I don't really like a lot. and this is not straight from the bible or any other holy religious sources. it's true.

I don't know how to repay my dear friends. They may not even know how great an impact they've made in my life, even those "not-so-close" friends. I wouldn't have made it so far in life without them. Nearly 17 years. That's quite a number of years..Minus the ones who betrayed me or abandoned me, I owe the rest a lot. More than I could ever repay. THANKS.

oh, and i've just joined film soc. so yea. and i'm gnna do the orientation 2 photo-slideshow video! woot! haha..
hmm...is it me, or are my blog entries getting longer and longer..

Labels: school, thoughts

Monday, March 05, 2007

PISSED

I AM PISSED. but i have no reason to be pissed. I am just being unreasonable and over demanding i guess. But it's frustrating. It takes two hands to clap and if some people are so uncooperative in maintaining friendships..Ok. seriously, I'm being unreasonable. Guess I just felt like throwing a tantrum. And it just so happens that all my friends...friends who are close enough for me to whine, and complain to, are either too tired or too busy...or too caught up by their own problems. And I don't wanna be the meanie friend I've been for the past few weeks. I'm like sinful....I'm ashamed of myself. I've been handing my friends all my burdens for the past couple of weeks, which turned out to be quite a lot. But I know too, that if i carried all of them by myself, i wouldn't have been able to make it through. For this, I love my friends. No number of words can convey how much I appreciate the fact that this group of special people are there to support me. The days when I try too hard to be independent and bottle up were in the not so distant past. I can still remember how dreadful those days were. Guess that's why I'm kinda addicted to telling-all. Rid of one bad habit and got another completely opposite one. I've graduated from hurting myself by bottling up, to risk hurting myself by telling too much.

By the way, I'm not emo. Not tonight. I'm determined to stick to my resolution.

Dad's in a bad mood tonight again. Too tired. This family just isn't the way it used to be anymore. But at least I'm kinda learning to cope with it. At least I feel better at home now. Not as lonely. It comes from influence. From having friends who all just keep encouraging you to go home. Friends who love their homes. But not feeling as lonely doesn't mean the home's warmer now. We still don't do anything as a family. It's all snapping when either adults are tired. I guess I'm just growing used to it. I'm tired of feeling sad. And I guess venting it out the other day plays a part too, in my giving in to resignation.

i bet i don make sense again.

Vicky (or cream as my sis calls it) came home today. We've decided not to send her to the breeder afterall. My sister misses it too much to bear letting it out of sight for any longer. So now we are stuck with saline solution, a medicine cream, and yakalt. Really, yakalt. Cause of the diarrhea, which was a side effect from the infection. We are supposed to feed the yakalt with a syringe. and ever since Sandy died from choking while my mum was feeding it with a syringe, I've been very paranoid about syringes and hamsters. So my sister's undertaking the feeding. Out of my sight.

i think too much. i should learn to zen.

Oh, I drew on my arm today. the green and the blue's supposed to be sparkling...glittery pens. But apparently, photos don't show that. =( It looks so much nicer in real "arm".

Labels: life, rant

Sunday, March 04, 2007

YAY

It's not a tumour!!! YAY! It's just a infection...coz the eye infection took up so much energy in her that after she recovered from the eye infection, she went too greedy and ate too fast, too much...and ended up grazing herself with her teeth and eventually ended up in a throat infection. We sent her for surgery...the greatest risk was that she'll never wake up from surgery. But the vet just called a few hours ago to tell us that she woke up, so all's fine! HURRAY! haha...but the vet fees are gonna be damn high lah...sigh. Which means...I'm gonna be rather broke. Oh wellz....Anywayz, there's gonna be a open wound at her throat (from the draining of the pus) which requires frequent cleaning. And you know, as students, we just don't have the time. SO......we decided to trouble the breeder who we got it from to keep it for us for a week, till the march hols...AND SHE AGREED! YAY! haha...she's sooo nice.

anywayz, I realised one key difference in the way i blog and the way the others blog. pple think about what they blog beforehand. i think abt what i shall blog about and just transfer the exact phrasing in my head onto the screen. maybe that's why more often than not, i sound incoherent. especially when i am tired, frustrated, or whatsoever. there's almost no lag of time between my "thinking" and my typing. so yeah...haha

Went to watch "Letters From Iwo Jima" today with Shan...seriously, I should stop watching sad movies. Especially frustrating movies....two in a week is seriously overwhelming lah! but it's a good movie. so yarh.

and i am suffering from a headache. =(

can't wait for march hols to come!!!! 1 more week!!! XP

Labels: weekend

Friday, March 02, 2007

a more event-ful day. finally.

today feel quite sian...for the whole day. (that's like contradicting my title, i know) having only one lesson in a day gives that kinda effect. it was physics practical, so not much of 'paper-and-pen', so it makes you wanna slack even more. and i'm proud to announce that, yep, i haven touch pen and paper for the whole of today. haha. okay, maybe not. i touched my cse notes....but that's just pure reading.

-----------------------------------------

Something funny happened today though! During break, Ian sat opposite me and Hien was sitting beside me. I asked Ian whether he was feeling stressed, and Hien thought I was asking her instead! and Hien doesn't really like to be asked that kinda question in front of everyone, so she was rather disturbed that I committed the same mistake twice! afterwards, she called me aside to tell me how disturbed and unhappy she was, and i mistook it for her trying to tell me that i shouldn't have asked Ian that coz it may have made him uncomfortable! It was like communication disaster lah! It all cleared up in the end anywayz....and for the record, Ian wasn't uncomfortable, so yay! haha...I know I can be quite insensitive in this aspect sometimes lah...I swear I'm never gonna sit near Ian and Hien at the same time ever again though. haha. Maybe I should revert back to calling Ian, Ah-Boy. haha..

After physics practical, there was no more lessons. and I crashed a03c again! went to watch "pursuit of happiness" with them at jubilee..but then, it wasn't really a class thing, considering only liju, kex, eug, sherry, elena, clara and xuehao went. so it wasn't weird, coz i noe everyone....maybe i donno clara and xuehao that well lah. but i noe majority of the pple mah...
Pursuit of Happiness is a sad movie. it has a happy ending though. but don't watch it if you are easily affected like me. I took a few hours to recover after the movie lorh. X(
I hate to see pple down on luck. try so hard but just couldn't get what they need. it reminds me of myself at times..

"Sometimes if you try, you get what you need."

gosh...
i remember wanker said that i am the "try-very-hard" type.
is that like good or bad?

------------------------------------------------

ANYWAYZ
Crashed Jazz prac today! FINALLY. but then, it was equivalent to NOT crashing...coz i ended up watching eug prac his grade 8 piano instead of listening to jazz. COZ NOBODY WAS PRACTISING. ok, yinwei's band was practising...but i donno anyone mah. so, i'll rephrase. NONE OF MY FRIENDS WERE PRACTISING JAZZ. i told yewei to call me when he's gonna sing. and he didn't call me over. hmph. XP haha...nvm. piano is nice too. EUGENE YOU WON FAIL LAH. aiyoh..
i must admit yinwei's voice is good for jazz music though. oh wellz. i'm so proud of myself! i am like objective and pushed my prejudices aside! haha..

why am i so musically UN-talented?? X(

--------------------------------------------------

oh, and i've just decided that tonight shall be my BLEACH FEAST! haha. As of yesterday, I'm officially 3 episodes behind le. =( but nvm, I'm catching up tonight! YAY!

i realised how long has it been since i last watch grey's thou. i haven started on season 3 yet lah. and i haven even started on mahou sensei negima, despite saying that i'll start like last year. oh wellz, i procrastinate..not only in work, but in anime too. haha.

but BLEACH is priority man. XP

---------------------------------------

oh, and my mum just suggested I take eng lessons at british council. hmm...shall i?
and i think i'm gonna join film society. see first lah. and odac associate too...if not odac, then marina scouts. sammie's skeptical thou. XS

wow...this must be my longest post for a long long time le. haha.

Labels: life, school

Thursday, March 01, 2007

i asked weishanny today. it's nt the bbdf cast. aiyah, i give up guessing le. thx anyway. haha.

had physics lecture test today. it was alright i guess..at least it felt better than the math test. i think i am actually gonna pass. haha.

mugged with the class in the library for ard 2 hrs still most of them left for ccas, etc. then went to canteen for a short break before heading upstairs to mug somemore.
the place breeze really damn nice lah. but wonder after rainy season, will the place still be as nice?

oh well....


really, i should learn to be a bit more independent and rely less on people. maybe being alone won't affect me as much then.

and i think i'm crashing eug, royce and clara's jazz band prac tmr! XD

THE PRINCESS

name; melissa chan meiyi
age; 18
bdae; 210490
location; singapore

hates; hypocrites, betrayers and traitors
loves;

more;
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Friends, my brother and sisters, and my computer.
I take birthdays very seriously.
I love roses.
I love the late night.
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I love my cats, (schro)dinger and newton.
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