iBleach- Soul Generation of Music

Sunday, April 15, 2007

half-lies

Sorry but I half lied. When I blog so much in 24 hours, it usually means that I need some kinda support, and blogging gives me some of that kinda support.

I wasn't lying about how zhongruan and guitar rocks though.

And mum really did show me more concern tonight. She actually remembered that I prefer TieGuanYin Tea to JuBao tea and took the trouble to ask whether we can have another pot of TieGuanYin Tea in addition to the JuBao Tea we're having. Dad thought I was fussy.

I felt touched by my mother's actions tonight.

But I still feel empty. My sisters don't respect me at all. They take me for granted and used me to vent their anger/frustration whenever something isn't going well for them. Maybe I'm guilty of that sometimes too though.
But I hate it when my sis becomes sarcastic and sneers at me. It makes me feel worthless.

I really hate myself sometimes. Maybe that's why nobody ever likes me fully. That's why people will eventually leave me. It's a sooner or later kinda thing. My world is full of new footsteps coming in, and simultaneously, footsteps going out. It's a constant torture, but it's usually bearable. Till someone very significant decides to step out that is. So far, that has happened twice. And is on the verge of happening the third and fourth time, if I'm not wrong. Yes, it's very likely to happen the third and forth time within this year.

I'm not emo-ing tonight. I'm merely facing the facts.

So, I'd like to apologize to all my friends. Especially friends who bothered to come read my blog entries, despite them being similar rants over and over again. Despite my tendency to dramatize stuff quite a bit.

I love all my friends. I really do. Even friends who I've only spoken to once or twice, only maybe to a smaller extent than friends who I've known for a longer time. Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to crush, but so difficult for me to really fall in love. As my sister once put it, I confuse love with friendship. With me, the thin line between love and friendship is muddled.

Having said that I love all of you, I wanna say next that I'm really sorry for being such an irritating and self-centered girl. I'd like to think that I put you guys on first priority all the time, but that's no longer the case. I'm becoming extremely selfish. I'm sorry. But I still care, trust me. I care, and I feel with you. When you're sad, I'd find reasons to feel sad along, or if that fails, I'll just be sad because you're sad. When you're happy, my sadness lightens considerably and I feel happier too. So please trust me, I want to be a good friend. And I'm trying to learn how to be one. Just give me time, and don't leave so soon.

My greatest fear had been loneliness. But now I realized the fact that I'll never be lonely because new people keeps coming into my life, yet the threat of loneliness just keeps looming about, coming closer then further, toying me about. That fact tortures me even more than the fear of loneliness.

Maybe I'm not rational now. Maybe I just think I'm rational right now. Maybe I'm thinking with my heart instead of my mind right now, again.

Maybe I should learn from Friends. Withdraw. Learn to love loneliness. That way I'll suffer less.

And I realized that I have not called sammie yet. And I can't. In case she's asleep.

Labels: thoughts

11:53 PM

THE PRINCESS

name; melissa chan meiyi
age; 18
bdae; 210490
location; singapore

hates; hypocrites, betrayers and traitors
loves;

dr...(+)

more;

ad...(+)

~~adp~~ ~~rgs~~ ~~rjc~~

~~1/1~~ 2F 3M 4M 5P 6Q ~~106~~ ~~206~~ ~~310~~ ~~410~~ ~~08S05B~~

~~purple house~~ buckle ~~buckle-buckley~~

adp: ~~it club~~ ~~library~~ ~~eng drama~~ ~~chinese dance~~ ~~swimming~~

rg: ~~handbells~~ ~~library~~ rjc: ~~film society~~ ~~chinese orchestra~~ japanese cultural club (once in jcc always in jcc!)

-------------

I'm a girl, who's normal most of the time, but weird otherwise. My nickname in primary school was blurqueen, which was upgraded to BBQ Bizzarely Blurqueen in Secondary 2 during Primary 6 class reunion. I have a huge variety of interests, so I end up being very poor in time management.

random;
Friends, my brother and sisters, and my computer.
I take birthdays very seriously.
I love roses.
I love the late night.
I love manga and anime.
I love my cats, (schro)dinger and newton.
I love concerts.

Me @ Twitter

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THE KINGDOM

My DeviantART
My Livejournal (more private entries than public though, and much abandoned as of now.)