Monday, March 23, 2009
I probably should be writing properly, rather than adding random sniplets of thoughts, links, pictures, whatever not into this blog. The blog deserves better. While talking to shuyi today, I noticed (randomly once again) that the blog must be one of the oldest I've ever kept. It's almost 3 years now. The other blog which I kept as an archive *hurriedly goes back to my dashboard to check how long I kept the blog for* was started in December 2004 and shut down in April 2006. That's 1 and a half years. I believe I've written online much more than I've written in any physical diary (yes, a computer fanatic like me kept physical diaries). So much of me, all on the internet, a medium considered by most people to be the greatest violation of privacy.
I'm not sure whether I've ever mentioned this in my entries before, but there is a reason to why I shower my thoughts and emotions so openly (and randomly) online. It may not have been conscious when I first dabbled with the internet, but as I grow up and learn more about myself, it became apparent. I used to find someone who understands me. By the definition of that childish immature me, empathising is not the same as understanding. To me, understanding can only occur when the person is similar to me, if not exactly the same as me.
Obviously, that's not possible. We are all created to be different. Even the most similar people have their differences. Thus I lived my life disappointed, while hopeful that some day I'll find a friend like that. I know, you must be thinking, "What you have said sounds like you were finding what people call a 'soulmate'!". Maybe. In fact, there was a period of time I called it as that. I wasn't secretive about my goals at all. I'm vocal, constantly searching. If anyone had the heart and mind to, they would have heard me and took me seriously. All I wanted was a friend.
My thinking have changed since though. Having gotten to know some people who are highly similar to me, in terms of personality, thoughts and emotions, I realise that you may not always truely desire your ideals. Having someone who is your replica can be problematic too, especially when you possesses characteristics which make you repel people of the same kind - in my case, stubborness. Of course, things are not simple like that. But these are just some of the factors that make something which is impossible in the first place, undesirable.
God creates things, invent rules, make the world work the way it is, all for a reason huh?
Everyone around me has been getting sweet with their significant halves recently. I shall not name names lest I invade on their privacy or betray their trust (although they have in no way displayed desire to keep whatever they have shared with me private). Human nature makes us desire to be loved, to be cared for. All I've ever encountered is hurt and disappointment huh? Everything happens for a reason. It's probably to build me up, grow me as a person, and I agree I'm not ready yet. It gets tiring though. To have my friends regard me as their "cupid" or "love advisor" just aggravates the matter. It's kind of oxymoronic. I'd be lying if I claim that I don't crave for some romance in my life, especially with stories of what their girlfriend or boyfriend did (topped with chocolate cream, rice, and a little cherry on top to make it even sweeter) pour in on all sides. I'd welcome any romantic encounters with arms wide open when the time comes, when Father finally grants it to me. For now though, I'm not ready, not to mention I kind of lost faith in guys as guys now. They may make great friends, but nothing more (Majority of my friends are guys for a reason. they are fun. Seriously. Sorry sammie and ning and a lot of my close girlfriends who I cannot name due to space constraints. You guys are fun too. Just in a different way.).
It's so funny that yesterday my mum suddenly got worried that I might not want to get married in the future. It seems that she got so used to me dating, that now that I've stopped, her imagination starts running wild. She was careful with her words too. It went something along the lines of, I support you in your decision if you want to focus on your university education, you were disappointed with your A level results, and I agree that relationships have an impact on studies more or less...just stay as good friends first, but eventually getting married is an important part of life without which you wouldn't be experiencing life in totality...blah blah blah blah blah. Funny the person who told me when I was in primary school that boyfriends are strictly off limits till university got worried when I stopped dating.
And now I realised how much I've ranted. The last time I ranted so much without realising it till it's way too long must be J1. Sigh, good old days. If I carry on the trend, I bet my friends shall go back to the habit of skimming, or even not reading my blog already. Haha.
P.S. Such a long entry probably drowned what I posted earlier. If anyone wants to go for Good News Singapore...Tell me kay? So I know who to look out for if I do go. haha.
Labels: life, musing, thoughts
