Saturday, July 14, 2007
I had a terrible arguement this morning with mum. Over the same old issues. It's getting so old that I don't even wanna talk about it anymore. But it reminded me just how different I am from the rest of the family. Joining the raffles family is definitely a good thing, but it kinda alienated me somewhat. True that I didn’t really fit in rg, but it’s undeniable that rg provided me with so many opportunities and opened my eyes with regards to various issues which I would not have encountered otherwise. It gave me exposure to people from different walks in life. So naturally my personality and views are shaped somewhat by my experience in rg and rj. And that’s where the differences step in I guess. Or maybe I just had it innate in me, just that the raffles experience sparked it off. Anyhow, raffles played a part. I just have to learn how to cope with my being different in the family. Family is the basic unit after all. The immediate emptiness I felt right after drama fest made me renew my efforts and gave my family another chance. Maybe it wouldn’t have felt as terrible if this was my first attempt and not the second.
The argument made me late for PW survey at changi airport, and as a result, I wasn’t very productive. My moods were ruined in the first place anyway. Speaking to weiren and weizhong about God gave me new insights. I haven’t sort out all my thoughts like I thought I have. This is getting messier and messier. I gotta do something about it soon. Like tomorrow.
Yea, I’m going back to church tomorrow. Shan, don’t tag anything unpleasant. I have Christian friends reading my blog. Need to sort out everything within me soon, and I hope going back to church will help me. My life has lacked direction for way too long already..
I love reading blogs, but hate it at the same time. You always manage to come upon some troubled entries every now and then. It’s bad enough that people are troubled (I feel bad enough)…but life won’t be perfect. I’ve accepted that. The terrible part comes when the person in question is my friend, or someone who I want to be good friends/closer friends with. Especially when it’s someone I wanna be good friends/closer friends with. Coz then I wouldn’t be able to help, not if the person refuses to allow me to help. And when that happens, I feel terribly useless. All I can do then is to pray for them and hope someone will be able to help them.
Not being a close friend, or even a good friend, I can’t probe too much. That’s frustrating. I hope he’s alright. I do have the tendency to read too much into things and dramatize stuff in my mind after all. If only he’d come to me…
[EDIT] why do troubled posts come in waves? like there is some invisible negative synergy going around affecting my circle of friends from time to time..If only everyone I know who’s troubled or unhappy would come to me.
If my life were a sin graph, I would describe my current position as the minimum point. BUT I keep trying to inverse it. That’s the difference this time round. It’s like trying to rotate the graph by 180 degrees about the x-axis, but right now it’s at, say, 80 degrees. There’s 50/50 chance for it to move either way, and as hard as I’m pushing it, it’s still not bulging towards the positive and threatening to drop down to the pits. As I said, I use weird analogies, but how else to I express what I wanna say? I’m never good with expressing my thoughts.
Hopefully, I won’t sink this time round again.
Labels: life, thoughts, weekend
