Monday, July 30, 2007
School declared holiday today (coz we got a lot of golds). Woke up earlier to read china studies, only to fall asleep again and went late for PW meeting at weiren’s house. Weizhong was exceptionally happy today. HAHA. Anyway, the feel at the meeting felt quite good today, although I get occasional pangs of guilt. I discovered my the extent of my stupidity after asking weiren about math assignment 5 too. XS After PW, I took a couple of hours off to watch Harry Potter, though alone. Really has been a long long time since I last watched a movie.
Thought a lot more today, and got everything straightened out. I shall focus more from now on I think, and not allow my thoughts to run wild again. And stop worrying/emo-ing over things that are 1)too trivial, 2)cannot be helped, and 3)unproven. My tendency to thinking too much into things get me into trouble far too often.
All these I thought right after my phone call to Sammie. I felt awful (again) and called her, but she was busy. As I said, everyone has their own life. And it really is time for me to get more independent. And let my friends worry less. Yes.
Anyway, so I emo-ed a bit over it...and realized just how “consistently” I've been emo-ing over the past few days, sometimes even allowing the emo-ness to consume me and get out of control! This cannot go on, and I thought, I might as well channel all the negative energy I'm producing into studying..especially math and physics!
I supposed the talk with a friend last night really knocked some sense into me. I had stopped analyzing my own life (in an objective and logical way) for so long, that I'm losing track of it.
So, I've refined the resolution I made last night regarding the studying of math and physics. My entire attitude towards studying must change. I used to treat studying as a passion thing. Subjects which I have no interest in at all, I didn't care much about them. But now, I realized however much I want to support my brother financially in the future, it's just thought and what I really need is action. My inclination for the future are all rather risky and shaky, and I should at least have a back up plan. So good grades will help. If I can't get into the stuff I want to do successfully, I can always resort back into computer science,etc, for which there is the ida infocomm scholarships...that will save a lot of money for the rest of my younger siblings' education..if I get that scholarship..
having said that, I still won't do something I completely dislike just for the sake of a scholarship.
Knowing myself, my will power may not be strong enough to last myself through. So, I'm threatening myself. This is the part where the resolution comes in. There is....this something I really want to do. I want to do it by the end of this year, or at least before I graduate next year. And..I suppose having good grades takes priority over that anyway. So, I'm threatening myself. If I don't get a B at least for math AND physics, I'm not going to allow myself to do that thing, no matter how much my heart desires it.
In case you guys start guessing...That something is not OTeam. I'll do OTeam if I get in no matter what.
Now I can really breathe. (Even after my mum just came in to give me a disapproving glance.)
p.s. there are so many things i wanna tell a few people. But to tell them would be weird, and may pull me back into that cycle i just pulled out from. (100% pulled out! YAY!) plus not to mentioned, it may involve breaking that new resolution of mine too. So, I shall not. I shall start writing letters, and give them all out at once at the end of the year. or even nxt yr, when we graduate. grad nite even. XP
Labels: holidays, thoughts
