iBleach- Soul Generation of Music

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

untitled.

For the first time in ages, I'm typing a blog entry in a blogger browser, since I'm using the school com.

I seriously don't know what's affecting me. Fine, there are problems, but all seem too trivial to affect me so much. Even if you combine all together. Sometimes as I rant to others about a few of these problems, I feel like laughing at myself for my own stupidity. I wonder how the others could stand me. But I can't help myself. It's not the extreme kind of sadness...It's more underlying, hiding and...just there all the time. I don't know how to get rid of it. I constantly feel like I need a hug. But no, it wouldn't feel right to hug shan, nor sammie...though I doubt sammie has the time to meet up with me and give me a hug anyway. It's tough not having your closest friends in school...but no, that's not the problem. I don't know what I really want..But I suppose I just feel really empty. GP yesterday gave me lots of things to thought about, so I realise now that perhaps my escalation into emo-ness was partially due to that. But how come the down-ness is lasting till now? I'm doing the things I wanna do in life. I'm making friends, having friends. My friends care for me. My relationship with my family is getting better. I've got a really really cute bunny. My cousin just came to Singapore. So what is wrong??? This may very well be the peak of my life, but why am I feeling so......empty?

I can't stand this anymore. I know if this carries on I'll become insane. It'd be easier if it's the extreme kind...the kind of emo stages I usually get..whereby I can just let it out and everything becomes better. Go to the sixth floor, beside the lift, indulge in the silence and vastness of space, perhaps with a friend, or even alone. Let it all out, scream even, throw tantrums. And then, (not all, but) most is over. How I wish that's the case. But no, things are a lot more complicated. I need to find the source of this.

Maybe I'm being ungrateful. I know all of my friends are nice...they care about me...etc, etc. But I still feel lonely. I spend so much time with nice people around in the school, yet I still feel lonely. Even while I'm enjoying myself playing cards with Ari, Jeanette and Jared. Even while I'm talking nonsense with stacy and haoyang. Even after I've hugged Candy and Xiu. Nope, the feeling isn't going away. It's increasing in magnitude more than ever. And how I dread the night, for when the night comes, all becomes unbearable. There will be no more distractions of the daily hustle and bustle of school life...no more lectures/tutorials, filming for film soc, co prac...nothing. nothing to distract me. Then I'll have to sink. Sink into the depths of my own emo-ness. and no one can help me.

I'm not trying to imply anything. sammie is busy. I don't blame her. and shan is good at listening to me, and interjecting with comments which seemingly nasty to others but cheers me up. and shan makes sense. but i need something else. maybe I'm greedy. but i don't really know what i really want. i just know i'm not getting it.

this is getting unbearable. i'm miserable. Is this to balance the sign I was given?

Labels: life

2:49 PM

THE PRINCESS

name; melissa chan meiyi
age; 18
bdae; 210490
location; singapore

hates; hypocrites, betrayers and traitors
loves;

dr...(+)

more;

ad...(+)

~~adp~~ ~~rgs~~ ~~rjc~~

~~1/1~~ 2F 3M 4M 5P 6Q ~~106~~ ~~206~~ ~~310~~ ~~410~~ ~~08S05B~~

~~purple house~~ buckle ~~buckle-buckley~~

adp: ~~it club~~ ~~library~~ ~~eng drama~~ ~~chinese dance~~ ~~swimming~~

rg: ~~handbells~~ ~~library~~ rjc: ~~film society~~ ~~chinese orchestra~~ japanese cultural club (once in jcc always in jcc!)

-------------

I'm a girl, who's normal most of the time, but weird otherwise. My nickname in primary school was blurqueen, which was upgraded to BBQ Bizzarely Blurqueen in Secondary 2 during Primary 6 class reunion. I have a huge variety of interests, so I end up being very poor in time management.

random;
Friends, my brother and sisters, and my computer.
I take birthdays very seriously.
I love roses.
I love the late night.
I love manga and anime.
I love my cats, (schro)dinger and newton.
I love concerts.

Me @ Twitter

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THE KINGDOM

My DeviantART
My Livejournal (more private entries than public though, and much abandoned as of now.)