iBleach- Soul Generation of Music

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Life in Circles and Pieces

I have absolutely no idea on how to study for CSE. It feels as though I've been going through stacks and stacks of notes and nothing's being registered in my brain. And my econs is in a mess. My math was never good. And physics, hopeless.

It's like life is breaking down into pieces. Yet going on in its endless circles....vicious cycles. This is turning to be a pattern. I study, day or night. In the day, I laugh. At night, when there's time to think....Maybe I'm not living my life healthily. Emotionally. Psychologically. Not physically...physically it doesn't feel different at all. It's simply my way of life. I'm born into this.

I need more. I crave for it. And shit, I still do not find it yet. I have great friends, am in great CCAs. Maybe my academics aren't in their tip top condition, that's one of the reasons, partially to why I don't get it. But I've never been one overly concern over acad..I need that extra something. Is it considered the essence of life? Something's missing....Something, which leads to all others...It's missing from my life and I'm starting to miss it badly.

I don't wanna live my life in circles anymore. Circles are boring. I'm someone suited for boring stuff. But I'm not meant for boringness. The great ironies of my life...I'm always not meant for the things I'm most suited for. But most importantly of all, Circles are...tiring. I've realised sometime in the beginning of the year. And it's not gone away yet. Maybe I'm starting to learn to live with it. Maybe I'm not extremely affected anymore...Not crying everyday...with moments of genuine laughter almost everyday...yes, I'm not affected anymore. But the problem's not solved. It's still there. I'm tired. Tired of life.

I'm saying this matter-of-fact-ly. Not sensationalized/dramatized...not romanticized. there's nothing romantic about it. i'm tired. it's cold and hard - metallic truth. I don't hate my life anymore. but i'm tired.

And the circles are vicious.

Life is in itself cycles of life processes. Stages of your life repeats itself over and over again. Each stage repeats, until it reaches a point of time when the stage runs and actually fulfilled its aim. But life's not perfect, and each stage takes ever so long to complete. It fails, take a hiatus, returns again. Life cycles are torture. Yet the torture itself is the joy of living. Another one of the great ironies of life.

Then, following this line of logic, I should learn to enjoy all these problems I'm creating for myself in my mind? I swear my mind's a mess at unearthly hours.

Life cycles.....vicious cycles, circles, repeating stages. They make life....lives monotonous. homogeneous in a way. how all our lives overlap in some way or another...similar experiences, similar reactions, similar thoughts?

my, my...i swear my vocab is at its weirdest in the night.

What's on with my blogging style recently in the middle of the night(s)? I think I'm going from weird to bonkers...nonsensical. Incoherrence...in another way.
This must be the result of a heightened awareness of certain things which I cannot blog publicly. The blogging addiction. It means, I got to blog in some way...yet not revealing others.

i swear if i read this entry again a few years, or maybe even months later, I will have completely no idea what the hell i am talking about tonight. but tonight, i have this need.
i shall sleep earlier tonight and feed my twisted (and maybe even perverse) mind with hours of rest.

Labels: thoughts

1:54 AM

THE PRINCESS

name; melissa chan meiyi
age; 18
bdae; 210490
location; singapore

hates; hypocrites, betrayers and traitors
loves;

dr...(+)

more;

ad...(+)

~~adp~~ ~~rgs~~ ~~rjc~~

~~1/1~~ 2F 3M 4M 5P 6Q ~~106~~ ~~206~~ ~~310~~ ~~410~~ ~~08S05B~~

~~purple house~~ buckle ~~buckle-buckley~~

adp: ~~it club~~ ~~library~~ ~~eng drama~~ ~~chinese dance~~ ~~swimming~~

rg: ~~handbells~~ ~~library~~ rjc: ~~film society~~ ~~chinese orchestra~~ japanese cultural club (once in jcc always in jcc!)

-------------

I'm a girl, who's normal most of the time, but weird otherwise. My nickname in primary school was blurqueen, which was upgraded to BBQ Bizzarely Blurqueen in Secondary 2 during Primary 6 class reunion. I have a huge variety of interests, so I end up being very poor in time management.

random;
Friends, my brother and sisters, and my computer.
I take birthdays very seriously.
I love roses.
I love the late night.
I love manga and anime.
I love my cats, (schro)dinger and newton.
I love concerts.

Me @ Twitter

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THE KINGDOM

My DeviantART
My Livejournal (more private entries than public though, and much abandoned as of now.)