iBleach- Soul Generation of Music

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Lost and wanting

Maybe it's the night again...but the sense of helplessness is back. I can't control what happens. I can't control what others choose to do to me. I can't even control how I feel towards others, and inevitably, people can hurt me very easily. And it's not their fault. It's nobody's fault.

I've laughed so much. But all the while, I cry within.

It's like I've been laughing. A lot more. A lot more this year than last year. Than the last four years combined. Those laughter, no matter how fake they feel, a significant amount of it are true. The extent of my happiness each time when I truly laughed this year is so much greater than the past four years combined. But the extent of my sadness greatly exceeds what it used to be too. Age seventeen is a torture in this manner.

At a lost. What the hell am I doing? Am I wanting? or wanted.

I have great friends. I love them. But isn't human nature greedy? I want more. I want someone who understands me, on an even deeper level. Or at least striving towards that level, edging nearer and nearer to that realm of...unknown. I crave for acceptance. and the feeling of being wanted. Maybe only after being wanted, would I know what I really want..

And yet, both my resolutions...the time window's not over yet.

I'm too prone of giving myself false hopes. I have the tendency to over dramatize stuff. To romanticize everything. I suffer....but only because of my own personality. All that I know too well..But what can I do then?

You never get to choose
You live on what they send you
And you know they're gonna use
The things you love against you
- falling awake / gary jules

i remember someone told me this year. I really really forgot who. but it's someone I got to know this year. someone i regarded seriously. as a friend. that person said that i'm one confused girl who simply messed up her life. it's true.
oh, i think i remember who it is now.

why is it that every chapter of your life starts out seemingly wonderful and perfect, and then begins unwinding before your very own eyes and become such a mess?

why do problems always come in waves? or do i create my problems in waves?

my sin graph of life has a very high frequency indeed.

Labels: thoughts

2:59 AM

THE PRINCESS

name; melissa chan meiyi
age; 18
bdae; 210490
location; singapore

hates; hypocrites, betrayers and traitors
loves;

dr...(+)

more;

ad...(+)

~~adp~~ ~~rgs~~ ~~rjc~~

~~1/1~~ 2F 3M 4M 5P 6Q ~~106~~ ~~206~~ ~~310~~ ~~410~~ ~~08S05B~~

~~purple house~~ buckle ~~buckle-buckley~~

adp: ~~it club~~ ~~library~~ ~~eng drama~~ ~~chinese dance~~ ~~swimming~~

rg: ~~handbells~~ ~~library~~ rjc: ~~film society~~ ~~chinese orchestra~~ japanese cultural club (once in jcc always in jcc!)

-------------

I'm a girl, who's normal most of the time, but weird otherwise. My nickname in primary school was blurqueen, which was upgraded to BBQ Bizzarely Blurqueen in Secondary 2 during Primary 6 class reunion. I have a huge variety of interests, so I end up being very poor in time management.

random;
Friends, my brother and sisters, and my computer.
I take birthdays very seriously.
I love roses.
I love the late night.
I love manga and anime.
I love my cats, (schro)dinger and newton.
I love concerts.

Me @ Twitter

follow me on Twitter

THE KINGDOM

My DeviantART
My Livejournal (more private entries than public though, and much abandoned as of now.)