Tuesday, May 01, 2007
This shall be a very long post...so long that I don't know where I shall start. Maybe it's coz I've been absent online for nearly 48 hours, or maybe it's just because I've been thinking a lot today. I think emo-ing can be categorized into several categories. One being the ultimate depressing kind of emo, the other a sad but melancholic kind of emo, and the third is one when you feel detached and emotionless, like what I felt today.
Morning was occupied by CO SYF rehearsal. Obviously, I'm not good enough to take part. But I'm gonna help the percussion people move their instruments on and off stage, so Bingliang told me to go. He ended up having no time to instruct us on how to move the instruments, so we ended up sitting there throughout the practice and listen to them play the SYF pieces over and over again. Interesting point to note, I'm the only J1 helping out with percussion. The rest are J3s. LOL. And there's Waiying! wow. It's been so long since I've seen her...I actually forgot why I know her and she had to remind me that she was my library senior. Now I remember! She was always with Xinyi! LOL.
I could have left an hour or two earlier actually, but since I'm having PW group discussion in the afternoon, there really was no point. So I ended up staying for the whole thing, and waited for Weizhong so that we can go to East Coast to meet up with Weiren and Wynne for PW. It was a good meeting I think. At least we came out with something that interests Ernest. LOL.
I took the bus home with Wynne afterwards. Wynne had to alight first, so I had a lot of time to think. And I thought. Back at my own actions and words for the day. And found myself very self-absorbed. Why? And I wasn't even aware of it. I realised that I didn't talk to myself aloud for the whole day today though. I did most of that inside my head. That's some achievement I can be proud of..
As I was taking the long bus journey home, the bus went on PIE and there was this long canal along PIE. Near Kallang area. And I noticed that despite being so muddy, it reflected very clearly the scenery next to it, for the entire stretch of the canal. Even more clearly than clear water would. That inspired me and I felt. Though I still can't figure exactly what and how it inspired or what I felt. I just felt inspired. It simply stayed in my head.
And I found myself loving life. Not my life, but life in general. I realize how beautiful Singapore can be. The thin stretches of "forests" along the roads, the way water flows trickle down a ditch, random wood planks on the side of the expressway, random colourful cow cutouts on random grass patches (which somehow looked greener than usual). Even the sky was beautiful (though not violet). Was a greyish dull blue with tints of yellow at the edge of the huge piece of sky. I would have called it the horizon, but then it's not. It's only MY horizon. The shadows of the treetops against the yellow was beautiful, with the occasiona rooftop peeking out of the gaps, betraying only then the fact that the majestic forest is only a thin stretch of vegetation. Honestly, I never found Singapore beautiful. But today, it really did look beautiful.
There were many more scenes encountered on my bus journey which left an impression on me, but it's simply too hard to describe all..The imagery's so beautiful, that it felt perfect, yet real. Comparably, I felt unreal. A unreal person living in a real world, enjoying real stuff, and developing unreal emotions? Which explains the detachedness maybe. It reminds me of the short film we watched during film society outing yesterday, titled Fonzi. But then, Fonzi's world was unreal along with her. That's a much sadder plight than what I experienced, should my experience somehow or other be reality.
Maybe I don't make sense. I don't make sense even to myself. But that's how I felt.
I remember dreaming of a migration to places like Australia when I was very young, and later France, then Japan, then around the world. But now I'm not so sure. Yes, I want to travel around the world, but would I bear to leave behind these familiar surroundings?
My life seems trivial compared to such real surroundings.
The bus passed by CJC and I missed Sammie for that split second. Despite having just met up with her on Sunday. And I guess I miss some people too. But somethings can't be helped, and there's no way to turn the time backwards into the past. What's done been done, and we just have to move forward. Maybe it's East Coast. Somehow, all the different parts of my life which I will remember for my entire lifetime chose to happen at East Coast. I don't mind though. East Coast is a beautiful place.
I will definitely miss East Coast if I do migrate.
I've chosen to watch these people afar. These people who I missed. But that does not belittle their significance in my life in any way. They are important people who I will always remember. Even as I hate one of them, the person is still important. (To avoid misunderstanding, I need to clarify, esp to jn if you still read my blog. this one person is NOT in RJ.)
there's so much more that i wanna talk about. i feel so mature today...that's it's rare. the constant awareness on how much childhood I've missed back in primary school subconsciously brought about my immature childish ways now. And it's difficult to go back. When I was "mature", everyone found me boring and too stern. Too depressing. And now I'm not, I'm still boring and depressing, and on top of that annoying. But today's a nice feeling. I felt mature, and not stern. but that was while I was alone on the bus, so I guess it didn't matter.
i shall sleep. it's impossible to put everything down. and i'm worn out by the intensity of activities for these two days too. maybe i should start blogging in my livejournal soon..
i really love Imaginary by Evanescence. It fit my mood totally today. the lyrics and the tune. But rock spoilt it. If only there's an acoustic version..a non-rock version..not that rock isn't nice. but it didn't fit the mood.
Labels: holidays, thoughts
