Sunday, December 28, 2008
I haven't blogged seriously on this blog for awhile now. In fact I haven't blogged seriously in a long time now, not on the other blog, not privately.
Tonight's a strange night..this year has been a strange year. I can't say that I'm happier than last year, but definitely not sadder than last year either. It's like my emotional experience has been extrapolated both ways, with my happy moments becoming happier and my sad moments sadder. But I'm making preparations..guarding my heart closely. So that when the time comes, it won't bleed to death. It'll still be able to heal, if not fully.
I have met good people. And got to know these good people better. People like Stacy and Qiongye. I'm typing a damn bloody truthful post now, so I'm not politically correct. I'm very conscious I'm leaving out Eugene and Haoyang. But truth be told, I feel closer to Stacy and Qiongye? As much as Qiongye doesn't regard me as that close a friend...Yes, you don't, I know one okay. But I'm grateful. To Stacy for being a great friend listening to me, for Qiongye whose presence have reminded me time and time again to be a bit more mature than I am. To both for companionship in class and outside of class.
To Qiongye, your lesson to me started right from the beginning of J1 actually. Remember the first time we went to J8's food court to eat (the time when Ian was eating with his OGmates)? You tried hinting to make sure I don't like you or something like that. The paranoia is really funny, come to think of it, but it did teach me the reality of coming back into a co-ed school, especially at this age when hormones are rising...care must be taken and sometimes paranoia can be good. While I got conscious of that fact after the meal, stupid me didn't take the advice and ended up in all sorts of trouble in the course of the two years. But really, this is just one of the examples of things you taught me. thanks a lot.
Important friends I met in the two years...strictly speaking last year, but I really only really start to get to know them this year. Like Aaron (Tan) and Roger..Even Abtzy. To Aaron Tan I owe a lot once more. True that I haven't been able to get to know him well enough, but he is another person who taught me a lot. He has helped me recognise flaws to my own character, so that I can correct my own behaviour and become a better person. He must be one of the people I can thank for helping me dislike myself less.
Thanks. Aaron, Roger, Mervyn and Mark. Aaron and Mervyn especially, for accepting me into the group. Must be weird to accept a girl into the group. And Roger, for constantly assuring me that it's okay to be a girl in the group. Mark too. I don't know how my JC life would be like without you guys. Really boring?
Thanks Mark...for always being there. For listening to me rant. For talking to me on Fireworks night, or I would have missed out the chance of having such a wonderful friendship with you guys. Actually, I think if you didn't talk to me, I won't dare to hang out with you guys again. Oh, and for inviting me to your party in J1. That kinda helped sparked my hanging out with the group. And introduced me to Stepmania.
Random, but thanks Roger, for the piano. Anime piano has since formed such a great part of my life. All these seemingly trivial things really mean a lot.
To Waihan for the period of time when you provided so much counselling. For your generosity. For teaching me sensibility. Oh, for introducing me to alcohol (wth.) LOL.
Friends I've had and kept in the two years. Shuyi..Suen. Thanks a lot for being there. Especially shuyi, for listening to me, for keeping me sane. Balancing my over-optimism. Helping me stay rational. Thanks for being such a great buddy. And to Suen, I love you.
To new great people I've me this year...Vanessa. There's only one name here, because while all other juniors have been great too..you're the only one who made me feel like I'm not alone. And while being someone for me to identify with, you teach me things on stuff like family, open my eyes to new perspectives. It's only a short one year...but it's enough to make an impact in my life.
JC life, I've made many mistakes. Some more foolish than others. I've been very stubborn. Without the guidance of friends in several cases, I wouldn't be the girl I am now. I may still be depressed day in day out. I'll be numb to the happiness I can be feeling and only focused on the pain. I'm different now though. I feel happiness stronger than ever.
I don't want to be foolish again. I had promised myself not to give my heart away again. I really wanted to stick to that. But seriously it's irrational. I can testify to that now. It's really really stupid. I don't want to get hurt, I'm trying not to. I'm taking it slowly, trying to avoid all the minefields I got into the previous times, trying to learn from my lessons. But it's bad, because I just keep thinking I shall get hurt again anyway. I'm just prone to getting hurt.
It's irrational too. The time is only so short. 3 or 4 months maximum? What is wrong with me. It can't be serious. I keep telling myself that. It may even be infatuation. If it's infatuation, then it's really dumb. And to start liking someone 5 minutes into interacting with the person is plain dumb. Only Meiyi is capable of doing that.
But all in all, I'm getting prepared to be hurt. It's really obvious I don't stand a chance. The last girl must have been a really really nice girl. I just hope this fall won't be as steep, given all the emotional and mental precautions I've taken myself. That my friends would be here to help me to tide over the bad times. I try to be as good a friend as I can be, but I'll never be good enough to warrant all the support I have been given.
will i fall deeper in?
and if i do,
when the time comes,
will i be alright?
i can't compete with her
and i don't want to anywayLabels: friends, J, night, thoughts
