Monday, August 29, 2011

Today was perfect. We were both happy. So why am I remembering that he doesn't love me anymore? The second time today. I need to stop remembering this for me to remain motivated and strong; for me to have even a remote chance in retrieving his heart. But it's so hard to stop longing for the day when he'd reply 'I love you' when we hang up or when we're being close.

I'll also need to forget if I wish to have sufficient sleep for the days ahead where I need much energy to accomplish much things.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

If I keep my distance. If I really gain enough discipline to keep my distance...is there still hope?

It's all too late. In all probability, too late. I can only regret now. There's no redeeming, no turning back. Like he always says, there are some stuff once done, it's done. No matter how much tears I shed, how strongly I regret what I've done, it's too late. I've ruined it. I know it.

I want to let him know, but it's no use either. On one hand, he might get upset. Like usual, he's upset when I am. On the other hand, my emotions may no longer affect him. Either way I can't let him know. But I want to. But I can't, I shouldn't.

If it's going to end anyway, I should let him go peacefully and without harassment. I should stop doing him more wrong.

Desires are a strong thing. Let me blog here to fulfill my desires, for there is hope that he'll read it one day. But not likely, since this is abandoned and old and doesn't even appear on google search anymore. I'm such a selfish person. But I can't help it. I cannot sleep. And when I do sleep, I wake up early. I have no soul, except when there's distractions, when there's company. But afterall, it starts feeling like a shell afterall. Colours on the surface of the shell fade after awhile. The shell's still empty. I'm sorry I'm so faithless. I'm sorry that my centre of the universe is a human. I deserve to go to hell. I can't help it. I feel as though I've ruined something which really could have been perfect. Such potential to be perfect. I felt as though I grasped real happiness for once. I lost it. He's gone. He's never coming back. He's too good for me, he won't want me anymore. He tasted freedom. He'll want better. Loving me is not worth it. I'm so selfish to want him to love me. I'm so damn selfish. Selfish.

I need to release. Fuck. Release. This is the one time in your life, you gotta have discipline no matter what happens. Release him from the torture. Your messages bring no joy to him anymore. Stop. Release him.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

If I'm not here in this world, he won't be having these additional stress and burden to deal with. My life sucks right now. I'm not useful/helpful to anyone in the world right now. But I'm harmful to many. I'm like toxic.

THE PRINCESS

name; melissa chan meiyi
age; 18
bdae; 210490
location; singapore

hates; hypocrites, betrayers and traitors
loves;

more;
random;
Friends, my brother and sisters, and my computer.
I take birthdays very seriously.
I love roses.
I love the late night.
I love manga and anime.
I love my cats, (schro)dinger and newton.
I love concerts.

Me @ Twitter

THE KINGDOM

My DeviantART
My Livejournal (more private entries than public though, and much abandoned as of now.)

My Prayer Log (private)
bleach portal
08S05B class blog!
rjc film society blog!
promediaus (sean's team)
sj tribe
youthnet online
youthnet admin

abtzy
caiqiang
candy
chaoyang
chuntsen
eugene
germ
gekmin
hanyu
ian
janice
jasmine yam
jawed
jawed's tumblr
jingxuan
jinjun
kah hou
kaiqi
kawing
lijie
liyi
lorraine
mandy
mel law
prila
qiongye
royce
sammie
sean
sengteck
shan
shuyi
sianying
stacy
suen
sky
waihan
wang
wangting
weihao
weizhong
woonie
xiu
yewei
yiding
yining
zijian
zijian(ex-blog)
zhuoyi

The Stars They Say Official Website

DISCLAIMER: these are linked here so that there's no need for my minute brain to remember so many urls. lol

THE MEMORY

recent;
I really wish I can purge myself from this world a...
I don't know what I'm doing. And why my existence ...
I'm more than a lil bit tired of living. But I'm s...
Today was perfect. We were both happy. So why am I...
If I keep my distance. If I really gain enough dis...
It's all too late. In all probability, too late. I...
If I'm not here in this world, he won't be having ...
or maybe i just won't update. not sure if i'll giv...
Domain (again)
sticking with the low quality


past;
April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 November 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 August 2011 September 2011

labels;
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computer
design
dream
holidays
joanne
life
musing
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quiz
random
rant
school
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weekend

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THE CREDITS

pic credits to bleach society & lingling
also to iPod
web-design by .copyright. ling1oo%
blogskins~ mzlingling*

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